God Is Disappointed In You Read Online Free PDF Page A

all his gut-fat.  
    By the time Ehud returned to Israel, he had become a national hero. They made Ehud their “judge,” or the person who would rule them on God’s behalf.
    But Israel’s respite from foreign domination was short-lived. After Ehud died, the Hazorites started squeezing Israel. The new judge, Deborah, the only woman to ever be a Judge of Israel, raised an army to fight them off. But Deborah’s army were armed with nothing but a bunch of ramshackle bronze swords and spears. The Hazorites, on the other hand, were heavily armed with the latest, state-of-the-art war technology, including helmets, heavy body armor, and chariots. The night before their battle, Deborah led her army to the top of a mountain. It seemed like a simple matter of time before the Hazorites found Deborah’s army and destroyed them. But the next morning, the Israelite army launched a surprise attack, pouring down the east face of the mountain at sunrise. When the Hazorites looked up to defend themselves, they were blinded by the sun. Sunglasses hadn’t been invented yet.  
    It didn’t help matters that their chariots were useless in the soft, dewy morning mud. In this muddy, chaotic combat, their heavy expensive armor just weighed them down, while the light, dollar-store weaponry of the Israelites allowed them to maneuver nimbly, hacking off the arms and heads of their mud-bound enemies.  
    In the upset of the year, the Israelites routed the Hazorites. The general in charge of the Hazorite army fled the battle, and holed up in a nearby farmer’s tent. While hiding, he asked the farmer’s wife to bring him something to drink. She served her guest a glass of warm milk, which was highly approved as an act of hospitality in those days. But then, after he fell asleep, she drove a tent peg through his skull, which was generally frowned upon. 
    After Deborah’s victory, there was peace for forty years, until Israel was invaded by the Midianites, whose inherent sluttiness apparently helped them rebound nicely from the genocide Moses tried on them.  
    “I suppose this means they’ll be needing my help again,” God sighed. God approached a man named Gideon and asked him to raise an army to defend Israel. “Don’t worry,” God told him, “You’ll be marvelous. I’ll be right there with you the whole time.”
    So Gideon set up a recruiting station and started visiting local high schools. Before long, he’d talked thirty thousand guys into joining his army. “You did a good job recruiting,” God told him, “but if you go into battle with that army, you’re going to get slaughtered.”
    “Why? What’s wrong with my army?”  
    “Well, for one thing, it’s way too big. What’s more, it’s filled goose-bumpy farmers who’ll shit their loincloth the second things get real. Here’s what I want you to do: tell everyone who’s afraid that they can go home.”
    Two-thirds of his men took Gideon up on his offer and ran home to their tents. Now he was down to having only ten thousand men. 

    “But that’s everybody!” Gideon complained. Nevertheless, Gideon agreed to release anyone who’d been taken in by the recruiting posters and cool uniforms and two-thirds of them left.
    “Hey. Hey, Gideon,” God said.  
    “What?” Gideon replied.
    “You’re totally going to hate me, but your army’s still too big.”
As Gideon sat there wondering what he’d got himself into, God told him to pick his army by watching how his men drank water from a stream.  
    “Send anyone home who doesn’t lap the water like a dog. Trust me, you want those dog-lappers.
You can sneak up on guys who stick their whole head into the water. But you ever sneak up on a dog?”  
    Gideon nervously watched his men drink from the stream and just about fainted when only a few hundred guys turned out to be lappers. 
    Gideon was left with more of a Boy Scout troop than an army. With only three hundred men, fighting a traditional battle was out of the