Gertie's Paranormal Plantation: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy Read Online Free PDF

to be happy, I have to be who I really am.”
    “You’re right. I know how hard it can be to reveal a pineapple pizza obsession.” I winked at Randy. Of course, I knew what he really meant.
    “Oh yes. Occasionally, you can be a little bit of a smart-ass. I forgot to mention that attribute. I think Esmeralda and Kelly are rubbing off on you.”
    “No, they haven’t. Not yet anyway. Not that there’s anything wrong with it…you know, if they wanted to rub off on me. I’m pretty sure that would be something they would be interested in. I’ve never considered it actually, so I can’t say I’m completely opposed to the idea. I’d have to think about it.” I tried to picture how that would work. Rubbing off on me. Rubbing off...on me. I pictured Randy’s sister, Kelly, on top of me. I laughed out loud at the scene playing out in my mind. I raised my hand. “I have a question. Would it require my participation? Or would I just lay there?”
    “What? What the hell are you talking about?” Randy gave me this terribly puzzled look, like I just took my brain out and kicked it through the window. “Was that because I said they were rubbing off on you?”
    “Uh huh.” I nodded sheepishly.
    Randy laughed. “Oh Gertie, you naïve and kinky little sick puppy! It’s just a figure of speech. It means they are influencing you.” He paced back and forth in front of me, one index finger pointing up and one hand behind his back. He was like a plaid version of a TV legal drama defense attorney. “Anyway, I’ve got a plan to get your Brad down here. I was reading the paper this morning and I saw an announcement. There’s one opening for a firefighter over in Thibodaux.”
    “I don’t know, Randy. There’s no guarantee he’d get hired.”
    Randy now faced me and held both hands out. He was ready to make his case. “I know it’s unlikely that they would hire some outsider, especially someone from Chicago.” Randy pointed his finger at me. “But that’s where witchcraft comes in. You can even sprinkle a little more magic that would make him not have any regrets about staying here. He loves you anyway, so I really can’t imagine that would be an issue.”
    I knew it. Randy’s idea would require me to cast a spell and break a promise. “Hold on, Randy. There’s one problem. I made a solemn promise to Leigh that I wouldn’t use witchcraft to get Brad to come down and stay here. I can’t go back on my word.”
    “That’s ridiculous! Leigh’s been a fountain, no, an erupting geyser of half-assed spells that have sprayed catastrophe on every man she knows. And yet, she made you promise that ?” Randy was now being downright theatrical.
    “She did. A promise is a promise. It’s ironclad and unbreakable as far as I’m concerned.” I crossed my arms in front of me.
    Randy’s eyes squinted and he leaned in toward me. “In detail, tell me exactly what you promised.”
    “I promised not to cast any spells on Brad to make him move down here. I promised that if he came down, it would be of his own free will.”
    Randy’s eyes opened wide. “Bingo! You promised not to cast a spell on Brad to physically come down here. It’s clear to me that you didn’t say anything about making him stay here. Move and stay are two different things.”
    “Randy, you’re a genius and you would make a great lawyer…or salesman. But I have to wonder what’s got you so motivated to get Brad to stay here.”
    “You, Gertie. You. Actually, the absence of you. Whenever you go away to visit Brad in Chicago, I’m up to my earlobes in God only knows what creatures are running around here. Especially annoying are the howling Sasquatches, fire breathing dragons, and cats. Five fucking hundred cats, Gertie! You’ve been able to use magic to handle these things. I’m just learning my magic.”
    I laughed at how Randy was pulling on his hair over the paranormal pets. “Aw, Randy. And to think you only had my happiness in mind.” I