Funny Boy Versus the Bubble-Brained Barbers from the Big Bang Read Online Free PDF Page A

chuckled. “We used to say that about the principal when I was a boy, too.”
    Principal Werner walked in, shook hands with Bob Foster, and told us to sit down.
    “Mr. Foster,” Principal Werner said. “Before we begin, I just want you to know that I’m not here to punish Funny Boy. My job is to be the beacon that will guide him past the rocky beaches and windy gusts of life.”
    “Kind of like a lighthouse, huh?” Bob Foster commented.
    “No!” Principal Werner said, a little louder than was necessary. “Nothing like a lighthouse! Why does everyone always say that?”
    Bob Foster and I glanced at each other and shrugged.
    “Mr. Foster,” the principal continued. “I asked you to come in here today because Funny Boy doesn’t seem interested in learning. He just wants to crack jokes. His endless supply of wisecracks, riddles, and rude remarks is disrupting his class.”
    “We’re working on that,” Bob Foster said.
    “Even worse,” the principal went on, “he seems to believe that aliens are attacking and it is his job to save the world. Tell me, is there some problem at home that I should know about?”
    “No,” Bob Foster said. “He’s a good boy. He’s just a little ... different.”
    “Um-hmm,” Principal Werner replied, writing something on a piece of paper. “I’m going to recommend that Funny Boy be evaluated by our school’s Child Study Team. Maybe they can help him with this problem.”
    “I appreciate that,” Bob Foster said politely.
    “Well, thank you for coming in,” Principal Werner said. “I’m about to have a bite to eat. Would you like to join me?”
    “No!” I said quickly. I pushed Bob Foster out the door and hustled back to my classroom.

CHAPTER 7

    THE BO, BARRY, AND BURLY SHOW
    That night I was trying to do my homework, but Punch kept pestering me. Ever since she discovered she could speak, she wanted to know everything and was constantly asking strange questions.
    “If you don’t milk a cow,” Punch asked, “would it explode in a giant milk bomb?”
    “I guess so,” I replied, wishing she would leave me alone.
    “But what did cows do before there were people to milk them?” Punch asked.
    “Maybe they milked each other.”
    “Cows can’t milk other cows,” Punch insisted.
    “Maybe horses milked them.”
    “How did they get the fat out of nonfat milk?” Punch asked. “How did people wake up before there were alarm clocks? Why do bees buzz and hummingbirds hum? What’s the difference between French bread and Italian bread?”
    “Shut up!” I finally said.
    “Will you two keep it down!” Bob Foster yelled from the next room. “My favorite show is about to come on!”
    I went in to see what he was watching. On the TV there was a bald lady in a bikini saying, “Welcome to The Bo, Barry, and Burly Show. Heeeeeeere’s ... Barry!”
    There was a studio audience, and they all clapped their hands. The three bald barbers came out, only now they were wearing bad toupees.
    “Greetings, brainless Earthlings,” Barry Barber said. Bo and Burly Barber stood on either side of Barry Barber with their muscular arms crossed. “I hope you are enjoying your evening, because it will be one of the last you will have before Earth is destroyed.”
    The studio audience thought that was really funny, and they broke out into good-natured laughter. So did Bob Foster.
    “Him serious!” Bo Barber grunted.
    That only made the studio audience laugh harder.
    “Me bust heads, okay, boss?” asked Burly Barber.
    “That won’t be necessary,” Barry Barber replied. “Perhaps a little convincing will make these brainless Earthlings see we mean business. This morning we successfully removed the hair of everyone on the island of Taiwan. Let’s go to the videotape....”
    A video appeared, showing a bunch of bald people standing in a parking lot.
    “That barber pointed his hair gun at me,” a guy moaned, “and the next thing I knew I was bald and he was wearing my hair. It