Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook Read Online Free PDF

longer. Enjoy.
    LEARNING THE ROPES
    If you’ve got a fridge full of epicurean mustards at the ready (brandy, cognac, horseradish, honey, green peppercorn, etc.), feel free to substitute for the Dijon. Treat your bird right and she’ll reward you crisply.

Totally Fried Chicken
    F ry?” We’re going to fry?
    “Yes, and fast. The Wolf does 16,000 BTUs in a single burner.”
    Suddenly a thousand butterflies are moshing in my belly. Holy shit, what kind of caper is he planning this time? I’m not sure I’m prepared for this.
    “I’ll prepare you, darling. Don’t worry,” he says dryly. He must be telepathic. It’s uncanny.
    But am I a fryer? Maybe I come across that way, but I’ve always thought of myself as more of a roaster, a low-heat bird. No way do I have legs plump enough for batter and hot oil.
    “Do you like to fry?” I ask a little timidly.
    “It requires intense preparation and control. How could I not?”
    He flicks on the Wolf with a roar and sets a heavy Dutch oven on top. It’s a beast of a pot—big, solid, enameled flame-red. He pops in a thermometer, and its bright red tongue shoots up in sync with my soaring desire. Oh, I’m prepped, all right.
    Blades is already sifting flour. His hands expertly shake a perfect bed of powder onto the plate. He’s just so competent.
    “On the plate,” he commands, and rolls me around in the flour like a pro.
    Hot damn. I’m nearly cooked from just the heat of his fingertips. My inner goddess is swooning in her red velvet coop. She crows with ecstasy when, with a sudden shake, he de-flours me.
    With a loud whoosh of oil I’m frying. I’m really frying. Is there anything this aproned Adonis can’t do? I have a vision of myself as Icarus, wings singeing as he nears the sun.
    But my wings aren’t burned—they’re flaky and crisp and delicious.
    crispy fried chicken
    SERVES 4 TO 6
    1½ teaspoons coarse kosher salt
    ½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
    ½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
    1 (3½- to 4-pound) chicken, cut into 10 pieces and patted dry with paper towels
    Peanut oil, lard, or chicken fat, for frying
    2 eggs
    ¼ cup buttermilk
    1½ cups all-purpose flour
    ¼ teaspoon baking powder
    1   Rub the salt, cayenne pepper, and black pepper all over the chicken parts and let sit in the refrigerator for as long as possible, from 20 minutes to 24 hours.
    2   Fill a large Dutch oven with 3 inches of fat and heat it to 375°F. In a medium bowl, whisk together the eggs with the buttermilk. Whisk together the flour and baking powder and place in a shallow dish.
    3   Dip the chicken pieces first into the egg and buttermilk mixture and then into the flour mixture, shaking off any excess. Add 4 pieces of the chicken to the pan and fry, covered, for 6 minutes. Uncover, turn the chicken, and continue to cook until golden brown and crisp on the outside and just cooked through, about 7 minutes longer for dark meat and 5 minutes for white meat. Drain on a rack before serving. Repeat with the remaining chicken pieces.

Cream-Slicked Chick
    Y ou have the most beautiful skin, pale and not one feather. I want to crisp every single inch of it.”
    “You can crisp me any time,” I purr.
    “How about a little honey and spice?” he asks suggestively.
    I can’t help but cluck derisively. His spice thing is out of control. I know I’m pushing it, as my inner goddess pokes her head out of her golden henhouse.
    “You didn’t just cluck, did you?”
    “Oh no,” I answer quickly.
    “I’m going to drizzle this on you,” he says.
    “You really know how to warm a chick up.” I pause before adding, “Chef.”
    His eyes flash with irritation. “You have a smart mouth, for someone without a head,” he whispers. “I may have to do something about that.”
    My inner goddess high-fives me with a feathered wing. I’ve gotten under his skin. Holy crap.
    crisp baked chicken with honey mustard and lime
    SERVES 4
    2 tablespoons cream
    2 tablespoons honey mustard
    1 garlic