Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook Read Online Free PDF Page A

red onion, peeled and cut into ½-inch chunks
    2 garlic cloves, thinly sliced
    5 tablespoons plus 1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil
    2 teaspoons harissa or other hot sauce
    2 tablespoons seeded and chopped preserved lemon
    2 teaspoons coarse kosher salt
    ½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
    1 teaspoon dried thyme
    ½ teaspoon ground allspice
    1 (3½- to 4-pound) chicken, patted dry with paper towels
    Mint leaves, for serving
    1   In a medium bowl, stir the chickpeas, onion, and garlic with 3 tablespoons of the olive oil and 1 teaspoon of the harissa; scatter on the bottom of a roasting pan.
    2   In a small bowl, mix together the preserved lemon, salt, pepper, thyme, and allspice. Massage it all over the chicken flesh, especially inside of the cavity. In a small bowl, whisk the remaining harissa with a teaspoon oil. Use a brush to coat the skin with the harissa mixture.
    3   Lay the chicken on top of the beans, breast side down. Cover the chicken with foil or plastic wrap and let sit in the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes and up to 1 day.
    4   Let the chicken warm up at room temperature while the oven preheats to 375°F.
    5   Roast the chicken for 20 minutes, then thrust a wooden spoon into the cavity of the bird and flip so the breast side is up. Continue to cook until the chicken is golden brown and cooked through, about 25 to 30 minutes longer. Serve with mint leaves.
    LEARNING THE ROPES
    Harissa is an intense chile sauce from Northern Africa. It’s spicy, searing hot. If you can’t find it, substitute the hottest hot sauce you can get.

Mustard-Spanked Chicken
    O h, Chicken, did you just cluck at me?”
    Crap.
    “No,” I squawk hoarsely.
    “I believe you did. Yes, you did. You remember what I said I’d do to you if you clucked?”
    Aw, jeez. “Yes.” I pause before I add, “Yes, Chef.”
    “My word is my bond,” he crows. “I’m going to spank you. And then I will cook you, very hot and hard.”
    I know what his hard cooking is like.
    “I’m not sure I can take any more quite yet,” I whine.
    “Stamina, Miss Hen,” he says brightly.
    My inner goddess has donned a tiny cheerleader’s uniform and starts to chant.
    Give me a B!
    Whack.
    Give me an L! Give me an A!
    Whack whack.
    Give me a D! E! S!
    Whack whack whack.
    What does that spell?
    Control-freak poultry-beater, that’s what it spells. But I don’t fancy another swat, so I manage to keep the thought to myself for once.
    He roasts me gently until I reach sweet doneness.
    “You are a most beautiful sight,” he says, pulling me out of the Wolf. “And your smell is intoxicating.”
    Afterward, everywhere he spanked me is stinging and warm. The experience was humiliating and mustardy and unbelievably hot. I definitely don’t want him to do that to me again. But now that it’s over I have this warm, safe, golden brown afterglow. I feel contented, and totally confused.
    I must remember to cluck at him more often.
    roasted chicken with mustard, fresh basil, and garlic
    SERVES 4
    1 (3½- to 4-pound) chicken, patted dry with paper towels
    1 teaspoon coarse kosher salt, plus more to taste
    ½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
    2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
    2 teaspoons minced fresh basil
    2 garlic cloves, minced
    3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
    1   Rub the chicken all over, including the cavity, with the salt and pepper.
    2   In a small bowl, stir together the mustard, basil, and garlic and slap it hard onto the bird everywhere you just rubbed the salt and pepper. Refrigerate overnight or for at least 1 hour so it can recover.
    3   Preheat the oven to 400°F. Place a rack in a roasting pan.
    4   Carefully lay the bird on the rack, breast side down. Drizzle with 1 tablespoon of the oil. Roast for 30 minutes. Thrust a wooden spoon into the chicken cavity and flip the bird over so the breasts are up; drizzle with the remaining oil. Continue to roast until the bird is golden brown and quite done, about 30 to 40 minutes