Face Me When You Walk Away Read Online Free PDF Page B

defensive, as if she would doubt him. ‘It was in Kiev, the third time. I paid a woman, a prostitute …’
    He looked at her. ‘It was thirty roubles. I wanted the best. I saved for nearly three months.’
    To have laughed would have bruised him, she thought. Again she covered herself with a napkin.
    â€˜Do you know, they ask you for the money first?’ he said, conversationally.
    â€˜No, I didn’t,’ said Pamela. ‘But I suppose it’s sensible.’
    She began experiencing a feeling of unreality.
    â€˜Why?’ he asked.
    â€˜Well, you could always leave afterwards, without paying … once you’d … once you’d done it…’
    They were like strangers in a foreign country, trying to follow an inadequate map.
    â€˜Yes, I suppose you could,’ he said. ‘That never occurred to me.’
    He relapsed into silence. Pamela sat watching.
    â€˜It wasn’t any good,’ he said, breaking the pause. ‘It wasn’t her fault,’ he added quickly, as if the reputation of an unknown whore needed protection. ‘She was very good. At least, I suppose she was. She did everything she could to help me. She was kind, too. I cried. But she didn’t laugh. She said it often happened to men the first time. Especially on their wedding night. …’
    He looked directly at her. That’s why I asked about you and Josef.’
    â€˜Oh,’ she said. The stupid response annoyed her, but there seemed little other contribution she could make. She felt her antipathy towards the man evaporating into pity. His increasing confidence towards her was a compliment, she thought, an indication that he felt at ease in her company. She felt guilty.
    â€˜I’m sorry,’ she said, the familiar response.
    â€˜What for?’
    She shrugged. ‘Just sorry.’
    Because of the cold evenings, she had asked for a fire to be lit in the massive hearth of the dining-room. Now it was dying. The last log cracked and collapsed upon the white ashes in a tiny explosion of sparks. She shivered.
    â€˜It isn’t Josef’s fault,’ she confessed. Having held back for so long, her offer was over-generous. ‘It’s me.’
    â€˜Why?’
    â€˜I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I wish I did.’
    â€˜Frightened?’
    â€˜I suppose so.’
    â€˜There’s an excuse for you,’ he said. ‘It’s supposed to hurt, the first time. But what can I hide behind? It doesn’t hurt a man …’
    He hesitated, arrested by a doubt. ‘Does it?’ he asked.
    â€˜I don’t know,’ she said. She shivered again.
    â€˜Let’s go by the fire.’
    He stood up, carrying her glass over to one of the cavernous chairs that bordered the hearth. She hesitated, then followed. He had remained standing and when she reached him he pushed her gently into the chair, lowering himself on to one of the bear rugs that the archduke had once shot. The skin had been badly treated and the bullet hole was still visible, high, behind the animal’s ear.
    â€˜Poor bear,’ said Nikolai, pushing his finger into the wound. ‘What a stupid thing to do, kill an animal just to cover the floor with the skin. And it wasn’t even looking.’
    He kissed her knee. She didn’t realize it immediately and then she felt his lips on the soft part of her leg, on the inside of the knee.
    â€˜Don’t.’ She shifted.
    â€˜Why not?’
    â€˜Because I say not.’
    â€˜Offended?’
    â€˜No. I just don’t like it.’
    His arm was propped against the seat, supporting him, so that his hand was against her thigh. She could feel the pressure. He smiled at her. She smiled back.
    â€˜Why don’t you like me?’ he asked.
    â€˜I do … don’t be silly.’
    â€˜You’ve not been the same, without Josef.’
    â€˜Of course not.’
    â€˜Towards me, I mean.