Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 Read Online Free PDF Page A
Author: Amanda Egan
month and then Helga, the new nanny, will have Bronte, Oscar and Lexi whilst James and I have a week in Florence. Haven’t decided where we’re skiing yet but we’ll probably go for a couple of weeks at Christmas and then again next Easter.”
#2
“Never again will I put myself through this, Sophia. Bloody Polish builders upped and left last week and I’m still without my double butler sink and Aga. Poggenpohl arrive tomorrow to spec out the kitchen and we don’t have anyone to prepare the walls. Not to mention that we’re at least 30K down. I may well need to hit the Prozac again.”
But the one that really amused me and Fenella was from a fluffy, over highlighted, perma tanned monstrosity in neon pink and killer heels…
#3
“Can you believe it, Imogen? These tits cost him the best part of 10 grand and, now I’m a size zero and at my target weight, he’s pissing off with his PA. I can’t tell you how humiliated I feel. Still, my tennis coach is quite cute. Obviously not got the cash to keep me in the same manner but, once I’ve dragged Hans’ arse through the courts, I don’t think that should cause too many probs!”
Fenella whispered to me, “Obviously takes a lot of money to look that cheap.”
The children were all herded into the school gardens for a picnic and we were then addressed by the joint heads - Mrs Montague, head of lower school and Mrs Hardy, for the upper.
I heard one mother whisper, “Oh God, here we go - bloody ‘Hinge and Bracket Time’. Couldn’t look at Fenella as I knew we’d start giggling because they really do look like them, especially the way they presented from the side of a baby grand. I kept expecting them to launch into a dirty ditty.
Very impressed by their welcome speech though, which reinforced my faith in our decision. The school’s everything we’ve dreamt of for Max and, if it means having to put up with a few unsavoury mums, I’ll cope.
Afterwards, went for a quick glass of wine at our local on the common. Max and Todd had fun in the garden, lifting stones and looking for creatures while slurping on their lemonade and scoffing crisps.
“So, Lib, what’s your first impression of the women that we’ll possibly be sharing the next seven years of our lives with?” Fenella asked.
“Boy, when you put it like that it sounds a bit scary but I’m sure some of them will be OK. It’s like any situation, there are those you like and those you don’t.”
“Yes but you have to admit, Libs, that some of them are so far up their own f’ing arses it would be difficult to get to know them without some of their defecation rubbing off!”
Fenella does surprise me sometimes!
As she did again when she stated, “Oh well, better get a move on. Got to get home for a bit of F‘n’C with Josh. Hate it but he does so insist on it once a month.”
When she saw my confused look, she laughed and added “Oh no, Sweedie, not that ! Josh loves fish and chips - especially out of the paper and with vinegar not lemon, common little man - and, I’m sorry to say, tonight’s the night.”
PM
Caught Ned under the table, stroking Dog’s head and saying, “Hey Dog. How you doin’? You’re a clever dog aren’t you? All the babies doing well? Guess you were meant to find us and have your little family here. Where would you have gone otherwise, eh? Well, we’ll make sure they all go to good homes and you know this is your home now so … all sorted. No more worries for you, Dog.”
He bashed his head and looked slightly sheepish when he came out.
And that’s one of the reasons I married the big softie.
Wednesday 28 th May AM
Got downstairs this morning to find Max dressed in complete Manor House uniform.
“I’m ready Mummy. I look smart don’t I?”
Took me a full half an hour to coax him out of it and explain
#2
“Never again will I put myself through this, Sophia. Bloody Polish builders upped and left last week and I’m still without my double butler sink and Aga. Poggenpohl arrive tomorrow to spec out the kitchen and we don’t have anyone to prepare the walls. Not to mention that we’re at least 30K down. I may well need to hit the Prozac again.”
But the one that really amused me and Fenella was from a fluffy, over highlighted, perma tanned monstrosity in neon pink and killer heels…
#3
“Can you believe it, Imogen? These tits cost him the best part of 10 grand and, now I’m a size zero and at my target weight, he’s pissing off with his PA. I can’t tell you how humiliated I feel. Still, my tennis coach is quite cute. Obviously not got the cash to keep me in the same manner but, once I’ve dragged Hans’ arse through the courts, I don’t think that should cause too many probs!”
Fenella whispered to me, “Obviously takes a lot of money to look that cheap.”
The children were all herded into the school gardens for a picnic and we were then addressed by the joint heads - Mrs Montague, head of lower school and Mrs Hardy, for the upper.
I heard one mother whisper, “Oh God, here we go - bloody ‘Hinge and Bracket Time’. Couldn’t look at Fenella as I knew we’d start giggling because they really do look like them, especially the way they presented from the side of a baby grand. I kept expecting them to launch into a dirty ditty.
Very impressed by their welcome speech though, which reinforced my faith in our decision. The school’s everything we’ve dreamt of for Max and, if it means having to put up with a few unsavoury mums, I’ll cope.
Afterwards, went for a quick glass of wine at our local on the common. Max and Todd had fun in the garden, lifting stones and looking for creatures while slurping on their lemonade and scoffing crisps.
“So, Lib, what’s your first impression of the women that we’ll possibly be sharing the next seven years of our lives with?” Fenella asked.
“Boy, when you put it like that it sounds a bit scary but I’m sure some of them will be OK. It’s like any situation, there are those you like and those you don’t.”
“Yes but you have to admit, Libs, that some of them are so far up their own f’ing arses it would be difficult to get to know them without some of their defecation rubbing off!”
Fenella does surprise me sometimes!
As she did again when she stated, “Oh well, better get a move on. Got to get home for a bit of F‘n’C with Josh. Hate it but he does so insist on it once a month.”
When she saw my confused look, she laughed and added “Oh no, Sweedie, not that ! Josh loves fish and chips - especially out of the paper and with vinegar not lemon, common little man - and, I’m sorry to say, tonight’s the night.”
PM
Caught Ned under the table, stroking Dog’s head and saying, “Hey Dog. How you doin’? You’re a clever dog aren’t you? All the babies doing well? Guess you were meant to find us and have your little family here. Where would you have gone otherwise, eh? Well, we’ll make sure they all go to good homes and you know this is your home now so … all sorted. No more worries for you, Dog.”
He bashed his head and looked slightly sheepish when he came out.
And that’s one of the reasons I married the big softie.
Wednesday 28 th May AM
Got downstairs this morning to find Max dressed in complete Manor House uniform.
“I’m ready Mummy. I look smart don’t I?”
Took me a full half an hour to coax him out of it and explain
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