Diary of a Mad Bride Read Online Free PDF Page A

horrible plaid couch after we’re married? Not to mention the light-blue toilet seat, the collection of plastic cups from his favorite sporting events, the neon bar sign that reads “HOT ICE,” and don’t get me started on the entertainment center with the remotecontrolled doors.
    Sure, these things were cute and fun when we were dating, but now that we’re going to be sharing an apartment they’re positively TERRIFYING. I can’t live with a neon bar sign.
    Never before have I thought about the concept of joint property. His stuff is my stuff and my stuff is his. By virtue of our marriage I practically own that entertainment center. What an awesome sense of culpability that brings. And whoever thought I’d be the proud owner of a vintage 1990
Playboy
magazine featuring Pamela Anderson as Playmate of the Year? On a brighter note, I also own the foot massager, the big-screen TV, and the framed Ansel Adams prints.
    But the couch!

august 14th
    I went two weeks, two TORTUROUS weeks, without telling anyone about my engagement because I felt it was important to tell my mother first, in person, at our monthlyfamily meal. After all, she
is
the one who gave me life. Did she not birth me? Did she not scream in agonizing labor for thirty-six hours so that I could come into existence?
    I actually kept quiet about the most outrageous thing that’s happened to me since my orgasmic one-night stand with the guy who played Tom Cruise’s younger brother in that pirate movie. That’s right. I slept with what’s-his-name. But this was bigger. Better. The best news I’ve ever had, and I saved it for my dear sweet mother.
    Who couldn’t have been less enthusiastic if she’d been doped up on cough syrup.
    Sure, she smiled. She hugged me. She told me how happy she was and how great she thinks Stephen is. But then she turned around and finished scrubbing the grout on the kitchen counter.
    No champagne. No euphoria-induced prancing throughout the house. Just grout. Grout so clean you could perform invasive surgery on it.
    Dad gave me a hug. A big generous hug followed by a litany of questions ranging from how it felt to be engaged to whether Stephen’s family was planning on splitting the expenses.
    And while Chet and Nicole congratulated me, there was none of the weeping hysteria I was expecting from classics like
Beaches
and
Steel Magnolias.
    NICOLE
    That’s terrific. I’m really happy for the two of you.
    ME
    That’s it?
    That’s our
femme à femme
bonding? Thirteen years I share a bedroom with you and that’s all you’ve got to give?
    NICOLE
    What do you mean, “That’s it?”
    ME
    I mean, here I am sharing some pretty incredible news. No, correct that. The
most
incredible news I’ve ever told you –
    NICOLE
    I don’t know. Sleeping with the guy from the pirate movie was pretty cool.
    ME
    Cool, yes. Incredible? No!
    CHET
    What guy?
    NICOLE
    The one who played Tom Cruise’s younger bro—
    ME
    Can we focus here? I’m getting married and all you can say is “I’m happy for you”?
    NICOLE
    Well, I am happy for you, Amy. Stephen’s a really nice guy and I know you love each other. I guess I’m just a little surprised.
    ME
    By what?
    NICOLE
    By the fact that you’re actually getting married. I’ve never thought of you as the marrying kind.
    There it is. Here we go. The gloves are off.
    ME
    What’s that supposed to mean? What’s the marrying kind? And why am I not it?!
    NICOLE
    I just can’t imagine you settling down with one person.
    CHET
    Did you and Stephen consider living together first?
    ME
    Yeah, but we decided to get
married
instead.
    Thank God Stephen was sick with the flu and didn’t witness this delightful family tableau.
    NICOLE
    I didn’t mean it as an insult. I just meant that some people seem better suited to marriage than others. Maybe that’s just a part of your personality that I’m not aware of.
    ME
    How could you not be aware of that? Even Mandy’s mealymouthed fiancé, Jon, knows that I’m