Diary of a Mad Bride Read Online Free PDF

the marrying kind. He thinks it’s a great idea!
    CHET
    Jon, the guy you said had the IQ of dog shit on a stick?
    ME
    Yeah, Chet. That’s the one. And by the way, thanks for listening.
    I can’t believe this! Chet is a Social Studies teacher at the neighborhood junior high. Nicole is a paralegal for a local law firm. They
are
Ward and June Cleaver. So why are they advising me to live with Stephen instead of marrying him? My head began to spin and for the first time in my life I literally could not speak.
    Why wasn’t my family happy for me? Was I expecting too much? Or did they know something I didn’t? Had I jumped too quickly? Was I making a mistake?
    My palms were suddenly cold and clammy, and as I walked to the living room, I realized that my feet had gone numb. Thank God Gram was sitting on the sofa.
    GRAM
    I heard the exciting news. How wonderful!
    Gram moved in with my parents after my grandfather died two years ago. It seemed the natural thing for her to do. Once a large, regal woman who had won a slew of tennis trophies, she had gracefully shrunk to become a silver-haired septuagenarian who insists that she’s 5’5” although we all know she’s 5’2”. My only surviving grandparent, she has always been my favorite.
    GRAM
    Your Stephen’s an absolute doll.
    ME
    Thanks, Gram. That means a lot to me.
    GRAM
    He’s so dark and handsome. Just like Clark Gable.
    ME
    No, Gram. That was Jeremy. Stephen’s shorter. Lighter hair. You know, more of a runner’s build.
    GRAM
    The Dan Quayle look-alike?
    ME
    Dan Quayle?
    GRAM
    A little around the face, but it doesn’t matter. Come here. Let me give you a big Grandma hug.
    And just then, as she stood up from her armchair to give me a hug, she tripped over the television cord and fell to the ground. It was pretty horrifying. She didn’t scream too much, but it was clear from her expression that she was in excruciating pain. The whole family had to carry her back to the sofa. And while nothing was broken, she must have smacked her head on the ground, because she kept complaining of a ringing in her ears. We spent the rest of the evening bringing her tea and adjusting her pillows.
    All because she wanted to give me a congratulatory hug.
    Now,
that’s
the spirit.

august 15th—12:30 A.M.
    I just couldn’t contain myself. The moment I got back from upstate I had to call everyone. Sure, it was 11:45 P.M. , but good news is good news no matter when you get it. And wouldn’t my dearest friends want to hear my good news regardless of what time it was?
    —Hey, Mandy.
    —It’s a quarter to twelve.
    —Yeah, at night. Listen, I’m sorry to wake you, but I’ve got great news to tell you.
    —No, actually it can’t wait. If it could wait, I wouldn’t be calling you at midnight, now would I?
    —I’m
not
getting testy. Just listen to me. Stephen and I are getting married. Isn’t that wonderful?
    —No, we haven’t set a date yet.
    —Of course I remember that your wedding is on September 20th. You call me every friggin’ day about it.
    —Do you really think that I would schedule my wedding on the same day as yours?
    —What’s that? What’s Jon saying? Oh, just put him on the phone.
    —Yeah, that’s right, Jon. You found me out. All the single girls just say they like being single. Boy are you clever. So listen, tell Mandy to call me tomorrow. And Jon, it’s been a real pleasure sharing this intimate moment with you.

august 15th
    M andy called me back at 7 A.M. this morning. She apologized for being so sleepy last night, then got all crazy with excitement—but not before verifying that my getting married would not in any way conflict with my duties as her bridesmaid or interfere with her wedding. Clearly she’s experiencing difficulty focusing beyond her own existence.
    Freak.
    We spent the next hour giggling like idiots…until Mandy asked if I was going to keep my name.
    Of course I’m going to keep my name. I’ve been Amy Sarah Thomas my whole life. To