Diary of a Mad Bride Read Online Free PDF Page B

suddenly change my name to Amy Sarah Stewart seems as logical as changing it to Amy Groucho Marx. Besides, I’m not Mrs. Stewart. Mrs.Stewart is some recently divorced eccentric from upstate New York who carries a dog named Chuffy in her purse. I’m Ms. Thomas, a fast-rising magazine editor.

august 16th
    I ’ve spent the entire weekend calling people about the engagement. It’s been educational. Just when you thought it was safe to divide the population into those who shave and those who wax, there appears a whole new criterion—those who can successfully feign enthusiasm and those who can’t.
    I just assumed that everyone would be delighted. After all, doesn’t it signify my happiness and shouldn’t that please my friends? Apparently not. People I figured would be mildly pleased were overwhelmed with joy and emotion, and those who I was certain would be elated weren’t.
    And I will never in my entire life forget who those people were. Yes, that
is
a threat. And a promise.
    ANITA
    Married? But why? You’ve always been so anti-marriage.
    ME
    I’m not anti-marriage.
    ANITA
    Sure you are. You’re the poster child for non-legally-binding unions. You abhor blood tests. Shirk at the thought of wearing white. And you Krazy Glued your toilet seat down.
    ME
    Is this some deeply coded way of congratulating me?
    ANITA
    Oh, screw congratulations. Of course I’m happy for you. Stephen’s a major piece of ass
and
he’s got a sense of humor. Just as long as you’re certain this is what you want.
    Why would she ask such a thing?

august 17th
    L ast night was Stephen’s turn to make the pilgrimage upstate and tell his family about our engagement. Considering his parents’ acrimonious divorce he thought it would be best if he went alone. Reading between the lines—which in this case an illiterate could do—this means that his parents are still duking it out over their financial settlement, so the topic of marriage might not be met with the usual enthusiasm.
    Judging by the migraine that Stephen’s had since his return, I think he was right. Apparently Mrs. Stewart was so thrilled by the news that she fed Chuffy a fresh can of Beef Feast before dissolving into a deep depression. Her comment, “My son’s getting married. I’m getting old,” set the tone for the evening. After putting his mother and Chuffy to bed, Stephen went across town to see his dad.
    Mr. Stewart celebrated the news with a group hug: Stephen, himself, and Misty—Mr. Stewart’s new girlfriend and Stephen’s tenth-grade lab partner. Being wedged between his father’s armpit and Misty’s left breast was justabout all the happiness Stephen could take. But Misty insisted on a champagne toast. And though it’s a gesture most clear-thinking adults would recognize as thoughtful and kind, Stephen was disgusted. He viewed it as Misty’s self-serving attempt to ingratiate herself to the family, and specifically blames the champagne for his migraine.
    And as the threesome drank champagne, Mr. Stewart made a toast. “To a happy marriage, and if necessary, a painless divorce!”
    The minute he saw my jaw drop, Stephen knew he shouldn’t have repeated it. I was livid. What kind of creep puts a divorce provision in the middle of a marriage toast?! But Stephen quickly reminded me that if I wanted to be pissed at his dad I’d have to take a number and get in line…behind him, his mom, his brother, and his sister. Apparently I have yet to earn my right to bitterness.
    I met the Stewarts for the first time ten months ago. Mrs. Stewart had invited us to dinner so she and the rest of the family could meet me. Everyone was there, including Stephen’s older brother, Tom, and his little sister, Kimberly.
    It was a disaster. The entire family was completely nuts. Straight out of the Menendez family Christmas album. Mr. Stewart complained bitterly about the food, which Mrs. Stewart had made. Mrs. Stewart did her best to ignore him by spoon-feeding Chuffy at the