Deep Surrendering: Episode Seven Read Online Free PDF Page A

off-limits for the time being.”
    His eyes narrowed slowly. “You’re going to deny me?”
    Hey, it sucked as much for me as it did for him. But we couldn’t move forward if we just jumped into bed together. We couldn’t work through this with sex. It would only put things on a shelf for a while, but they’d still be there when we got out of bed.
    “Yes. For right now. We need to talk and figure out what our next step is.” God, this was going to suck. So, so much.
    “Can I register my hatred of this plan? I just flew hours to see you, to touch you, and now you’re going to shut the door in my face?” He was getting mad, but that wasn’t going to change my mind.
    I crossed my arms. “You know I’m right. You may not want to admit it, but you know I am.”
    “You know you want me, Marisol. I don’t think you can say no to me.” It wasn’t going to be easy, but I’d made up my mind.
    “Don’t you miss me?” He was really turning it on. He reached toward me, barely brushing the skin on my arm and making goosebumps erupt. This wasn’t fair. I was trying to help him and he didn’t want me to.
    I was starting to see a pattern. With me at his mercy in the bedroom, he didn’t have to think or talk about anything he didn’t want to. It was his safe place, where he made the rules and could change anything he wanted. A fantasy.
    But this was life, and he had to face it.
    “Fin, stop,” I said, but he didn’t. He just leaned closer.
    “I miss you so much,” he whispered, invading my space. I didn’t move back, but I tried not to move closer to him.
    “Fin,” I said, my voice sharp. I’d never used our designated safeword, and I never wanted to be in a position to, but this had to end somewhere, and I didn’t think he knew how to stop. “I said no.” He growled at me and my body started to respond to him, but I let my head take the lead.
    “Don’t make me say it. Don’t make me use the safeword.” At the mention of the safeword, he pulled back and looked deep in my eyes.
    “You wouldn’t,” he said, trying to call my bluff. But I wasn’t bluffing.
    “I would. Please don’t make me.”
    His lips narrowed and formed a line as he sat back. “Fine. If that’s the way you want it.”
    No, it wasn’t, really. I wanted us to be a normal couple with a little kink in the bedroom. I wanted him to know he was strong enough to face his past.
    “You know I want you. Don’t dare assume that I’m doing this to hurt you. I’m doing this because . . . because . . .” Oh no, I was going to say it. I didn’t think I could stop. I thought I’d be able to save it, but the words wanted out.
    “Because why, Marisol?” His words were another challenge. Would I show my cards?
    “Because I love you!” If I was gonna say it, I was going to yell it. So I did.
    There it was. I couldn’t take it back. I couldn’t blame it on being drunk. The truth. Out loud for the first time.

I thought he was going to say something right away. Tell me I didn’t know what I was talking about. That I couldn’t love him. But Fin seemed to be struck speechless.
    “I love you,” I said again, more quietly this time. “I’ve been feeling it for a while, but I guess I didn’t realize it until today.” I closed my mouth so I wouldn’t babble to fill the silence.
    I didn’t expect him to say it back, but I expected him to say something. But he just sat there, staring down at his hands.
    “I know that might not be what you wanted to hear, but I had to say it. Now I just want you to believe that you can be loved, Fin.” Because that was ultimately what would keep us apart. Not his past. Not his father. Fin didn’t believe that anyone could love him.
    But I did.
    He slowly shook his head back and forth. “How can you love me?” he said, so quiet I almost didn’t hear him, but I saw his lips move.
    “For a lot of reasons, Fin. You’re a good man, even though you don’t think you are. You can’t hide it. Despite