Deep Surrendering: Episode Seven Read Online Free PDF

all that you’ve been through, you can still laugh and be funny and find joy in life. Yes, you have darkness in you too, but you don’t hide from it. You embrace that part of you and you introduced it to me. I love the way I feel when I’m with you. I love that you make me laugh and turn me on. I love that you are a total control freak, but you’re not an asshole. There are these two sides of you, and I love them both. We all have light and dark in us. Mine just happens to be in love with yours.”
    I didn’t think about my words, I just let them come. Let them fly free. No matter what happened now, at least I told him. If he walked away after I laid everything out, at least I tried. I couldn’t make him want to be with me if he didn’t.
    “So that’s what I have to say.”
    He coughed and took a shaky breath. Please say something .
    “I never thought,” he said, and then paused, starting over. “I didn’t want . . . you . . .” My words had come so easily, but his were scattered, thoughts unfinished.
    “I always told myself that love was for certain people. Good people. People not like me. I knew I’d never have it, and I was fine with that. I got what I needed and it worked for me. And then you had to come along and ruin all my plans.” He smiled for a moment, but it vanished quickly.
    “I was intrigued by you, interested in you, attracted to you. I thought we’d have a brief flirtation. Something new and exciting. It would be bright and hot and would burn itself out. And then it didn’t. My feelings for you just burned hotter. But I couldn’t reconcile how I felt with my past and what I’d done. Or with the fact that . . . I don’t think I can love you the way you need me to.”
    My heart leapt at his words, and then he brought me crashing down. He couldn’t love me the way I needed him to?
    “Yes, you can. You just don’t think you can,” I said.
    “But it’s the same thing, isn’t it?”
    I reached out and grabbed his hands, squeezing them as hard as I could. “No. I know you have this in you, Fin. I would give anything for you to see it.”
    He squeezed my hands back. “You can’t fix me, Marisol.” The sorrow and hopelessness in his voice made me want to cry, but I wouldn’t allow myself.
    “I know because I don’t need to. You’re not broken, Fin. You just need to figure that out.”
    “How?”
    I kissed the back of his hands. “That’s up to you. But I’ll help in any way I can.”
    It wasn’t going to be easy, but I had all the faith in the world that he could get through this and come out on the other side. And I’d be waiting to meet him.
     

     
    We sat together until it got dark outside my apartment and my stomach started to growl.
    Letting go of me, Fin got up and went to my kitchen, pulling down a few things. He hadn’t spoken in a while and I’d kept quiet. He had a lot of things to think about.
    I sat on the couch and watched as Fin put together a quick meal of pasta and sauce with a quick salad of veggies I had hanging out in my fridge. He brought the plates over and we ate on the couch.
    Finally, the silence was too much. “What are you thinking about?” I asked.
    Fin wiped his mouth with one of my cheap paper napkins. “A lot of things, Marisol. Too many.”
    “Do you want to stay tonight? You can if you want.”
    He sighed and shook his head. “I need to be alone for a little while. And I really need to get back.” Back to his job. God, I hoped going back wouldn’t undo everything that we’d just been through.
    “I understand.” He was probably exhausted. I knew I was.
    “I really don’t know what to say anymore. What to do,” he said, putting down his empty plate.
    “I know how you feel. I’ve been making things up as I go along since that night at the bar. You make me question everything I thought I knew. But I think that’s a good thing.”
    He took his plate to the kitchen and I joined him with mine.
    “I have class tomorrow morning and