Deep Surrendering: Episode Four Read Online Free PDF

Our date had taken a grim turn and I wanted to rectify that, but Fin did it for me.
    “There they are,” he said, pointing to the little duck family across the pond. We started chucking our little bread pieces at them and they came, quacking away.
    I started laughing and Fin joined me.
    “See? Doing this always makes me feel better. You can’t be sad when you’re feeding ducks.”
    “No, you really can’t. Yet another one of your distractions?”
    I handed him another slice of bread. “Sometimes it’s okay to be distracted. Give yourself a break.”
    “I’m not sure I know how.”
    I wrapped my arm around his and put my head on his shoulder. “We’re doing it right now. See how easy this is?”
    Turning his head away from the ducks, he gazed at me. “With you it’s easy.”
     

     
    The second part of my date took place at one of my favorite hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurants. The salsa was guaranteed to burn your mouth, the burritos were enormous, and the margaritas came with lots of salt on the rim of the glass.
    “I thought you didn’t like spicy food?” Fin said, wiping his eyes after I dared him to try the “Hot As Hades” salsa.
    “No, I do. I just have to be in the right mood for it. And tonight I was definitely in the mood.” I chomped down on my chip and smiled at the pleasant burn on my tongue and throat. I’d tried the Hades salsa once and that was enough.
    We ordered margaritas and tacos, and spent most of our time stuffing our faces and talking about nothing in particular.
    “So, I have to ask you something,” I said, snatching the last chip out of the basket. Immediately, our server brought us more. Oh, she was getting a huge tip.
    “Why do I have the feeling we’re about to talk about something I’d rather not talk about?” he asked, going for one of the chips and pulling his hand back. They were still hot from the fryer.
    “Because you’re freakishly perceptive?”
    He picked up a chip and blew on it before dipping it in the milder salsa.
    “What do you want to ask me?”
    “Why is your dad so scary? I mean, I’ve met him before, briefly, but he really freaked the shit out of me there.” I didn’t feel silly admitting it.
    “It’s just the way he is. I never really knew children were supposed to love their parents. I don’t think he’s ever hugged me. He’s not exactly an emotional person. Except when he gets angry. He has no trouble expressing that.” A shudder went through me. “I guess I’m used to it by now.”
    I didn’t think you’d ever get used to being around that.
    “I mean, he didn’t do anything. He was just … there and I was flipping out.” Putting it into words made me feel less crazy.
    “I’m sorry.”
    That made me laugh. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose him as your dad.”
    “No. I didn’t. We never get to choose our families.”
    “Well, we sort of do. I mean, Chloe is my family. Rory and Sloane are my family. I got to choose them. They might not be my blood, but if something happens to me, they’re going to be the first ones to know about it. My Emergency Contact people.” It was true. I always listed Chloe on forms that needed an emergency contact. My parents were listed second.
    Our tacos arrived and Fin seemed to escape deep into himself again. Oh, if only I could see the inner workings of that mind of his.
    “I want you to stay tonight. I want to try again,” he said out of the blue.
    “You do? Are you sure?”
    “Yes.”
    He sounded convincing.
    “But I was thinking that we should stay at your place. I have too many memories and other hang-ups associated with my place.” That made complete sense.
    “Sure. We can do that. But just remember that if you get uncomfortable, just say the word and we’ll stop.”
    “I know.” He exhaled and picked up his taco.
    “You’ve been wanting to get that off your chest, haven’t you?” I said, picking up my taco, turning my head to the side, and taking a