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the whole fifty minutes, he’d wait.
    In the end I just shrugged. ‘You brought it up.’
    ‘No, Nick, I think you’ll find that you did. But we always get to a certain point and then we stop. Why do you think that happens? It certainly feels to me that there’s a lot more in there you want to let out. Could it be that your psyche is protecting you? Preventing you letting everything you feel come out?’
    I hated it when he played the subconscious card. ‘Listen, I don’t know too much about the psyche shit, but I’ll tell you this: I’ve been thinking about topping myself.’
    ‘Because of Kelly?’
    ‘Because it’s hard to think of reasons why I shouldn’t.’
    ‘You know it wasn’t your fault. You know there was nothing you could have done to save her. So why would you do that?’
    ‘I might as well. She’s gone. What the fuck’s left? Therapy with you twice a week for the next ten years? You might not last that long.’
    I rubbed my fingers into my hair and smelt them. I was waiting for him to ask why I thought I did that. He normally did. Even though I bet he knew the answer.
    He brought his right hand up to his face and stroked his chin. ‘You know, Nick, if you really thought that way, you would have done it by now. I prescribed you enough drugs to open your own pharmacy.’ He pointed at the window. ‘You could try running away if you wanted to, just like Zina did. But the fact is, you continue to come here to carry on with our therapeutic relationship.’
    I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees. ‘I keep telling you, I’m not here for any sort of relationship. I’m here because George sent me. The whole thing is bollocks.’
    It was like water off a duck’s back to him. ‘Why is it bollocks, Nick? It was you who thought therapy might help you cope with Kelly’s death. Isn’t that what all this is about – helping you overcome the trauma of losing her?’
    ‘No, I’m here because George sent me. And everything I’ve said will be reported back to him, won’t it? Maybe he’s listening right now – what the fuck do I know?’
    ‘Nick, you know that isn’t true. How are we going to move forward if there isn’t complete trust between us? You have nothing to fear. I understand the pressures you’re under. I understand the sort of work you’ve been involved with. It’s natural in your business that you would keep everything battened down inside. I’ve been doing this for people just like you since Vietnam, trying to help them overcome those feelings. But we’re going nowhere unless we have complete trust.’ He sat back slowly, giving me time to let it all sink in. The index finger went back to his chin. ‘George understands the pressures and constraints you’re under. He wants you back, fit and able to work.’
    We were going round in circles. We must have had this conversation at least a dozen times. ‘But being here won’t help that, will it? I feel I’m trapped in some kind of Catch 22 situation. If I don’t conform, you’ll keep me here until I admit I have a problem. If I do conform, I’m admitting there’s a problem and I won’t get out.’
    ‘But you must still have some notion that you want to be helped. You’ve talked about having feelings of loneliness . . .’
    ‘I didn’t ask for help, I only agreed to it because I didn’t know what the fuck else to do. I now realize I should have shut up and got on with my job. People all over the planet have their kids dying on them every day and they still go to work, they still get on with their lives. I should have said nothing and got on with it.’
    Ezra leaned forward. ‘But Kelly didn’t just die, did she, Nick? She was killed – and, what’s more, you were there. It does make a difference.’
    ‘Why? Why does everything have to have a label? You can’t be shy any more, you have to have social phobia. Try hard to succeed and you’ve got a perfectionist complex. Why can’t I just get on with