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life and go back to work? What are you going to say now, that I’m in denial?’
    He studied me again in that way of his that always got me pissed off. ‘Do you think you’re in denial, Nick?’
    ‘Look, I know I’m fucked up a bit, but what do you expect? Who isn’t? Can’t you be happy with that diagnosis – “fucked up a bit”? You’ve got to be a bit Dagenham to do the job anyway.’
    He raised an eyebrow. They must learn that at shrink school too. ‘Dagenham?’
    I nodded. ‘Two stops short of Barking.’
    ‘I’m sorry?’
    ‘London joke. On the London Underground, Dagenham is two stations away from Barking. Barking? Barking mad. Dagenham, two stops short of Barking.’
    He sort of got it but decided it was time to close that particular chapter. ‘So, did you see Bang Bang yet?’
    ‘Yeah. I’m not sure it helped. I didn’t become a gibbering wreck or come out crying, if that’s what you’re asking.’
    I got a smile out of him again, but I hated it when he did that: he looked as if he could see right through me. ‘Nick, what you’ve really got to remember is that by doing your bit to help end that war, you probably did save a whole lot of lives.’
    I lifted my hands. ‘So what? The war was bollocks. People got killed for nothing, kids got killed for nothing. Anyway, whatever. Over and done with.’
    His eyes flicked towards the clock on the wall behind me. ‘I see we’ve run over our time again.’
    That was always my cue to get up and take my leave. Most times I’d have liked to wrench the door open and make a break for it. But I knew that would only mean the next fifty-minute session would be spent talking about why I’d done a runner, so, as always, I got up and put on my leather bomber slowly. I’d learned that I needed to take it off when I arrived, because if I didn’t we’d end up talking about the reasons why I’d kept it on. Did it mean I didn’t want to be here, and was hoping for a fast getaway?
    He stood up with me and came to the door. ‘I’m glad you finally went to Bang Bang, Nick. The psyche, you see – you can never rush it, it takes its time to work things through, to help you take the right decisions.
    ‘I think Bosnia affected you more than you think. I think there’s a connection between losing Kelly and the death of Zina. We’ll get there eventually, when the psyche is ready to beam us in.
    ‘But that can only happen if you feel comfortable with our therapeutic relationship. I’m not here to hurt you, I’m here to help you. All your life you’ve had to hold things inside and not show your feelings, so I appreciate it was never going to be easy to let all this emotion out. As long as you realize it’s going to take some time . . .
    ‘And, Nick, even if you were lied to, it sounds like you really did make a difference during that time.’
    I stood on the threshold. ‘Just like old Beardilocks, yeah? At least he had the bollocks to let a few die in order to save the rest.’

12
    Friday, 3 October
    My neck was stiff and my face was stuck to the leatherette. The sofa wasn’t the most comfortable place to sleep, but that was what I always seemed to end up doing these days.
    Forcing my eyes open, I checked Baby-G. It was a pink one – Kelly’s fifteenth and last birthday present from me. There was still time, so I pulled the blanket over my head to block out the glare of the TV and the dull grey light just seeping through the blinds.
    I pressed one of Baby-G’s side buttons and watched the face glow a purple colour and the stick man do a break-dance. She’d thought it was a bit silly, but I liked it. Fucking hell, I missed her. I rubbed my hair and smelt the grease on my hand as I closed my eyes.
    She lay so perfectly still, as I’d seen her lie so many times when she was asleep – stretched out on her back, arms and legs out like a starfish. Except that this time there’d been no sucking of her bottom lip, no flickering of her eyes under their