Chrysalis Read Online Free PDF Page B

frightened or crazily brain-dead, but actually, ragingly angry. Angry at him for being irritated at me, when he's the one doing all the irritating things. "I've never had sex before, okay? There. I'm some stupid virgin doing a crappy subject who somehow ended up going out with an awesome guy." The worst thing is, I'm starting to tear up a little bit. I bet my face is going all red and it's hard to be taken seriously when crying. "I-I'm just terrified about sleeping with you …  I-It might hurt, and you know what you're doing and I don't, and you won't want me and why do you have to be so bloody perfect at everything?" I'm properly losing it now and he's just staring at me. And then the bastard starts to smile a little. He's smiling. His non-putting-out date is sitting on the sofa yelling and almost crying, and he's smiling!
    Josh reaches out and cups my cheek, and I make this weird gulping noise and shut up, although I'm still feeling pretty angry and hoping for an apology or an explanation at least, but instead, he just makes some soothing noises, and then reaches forward and swipes his thumb underneath my visible eye, pushing the tears away. "It's fine, Luke."
    No, it's not fine, I've been on three dates, and between us, we've messed up all of them, but I don't know how to say that, so I just keep staring at him. He sighs and smiles again, but it's a sad smile. "Christ, I didn't know you were a virgin. God, Luke, I thought you were one of those guys who just wanted to screw around. I was just hoping that maybe if we kept going out you might want more. Want … me, even."
    "Well, yeah I'm a virgin," I mumble.
    Josh looks straight into my eyes. "Do you still want to go out with me?"
    I nod, not trusting myself to speak, in case I start crying again or saying something stupid. I know what I want now, and I just want this. No complications, no worrying about whether he's my 'type'. Just this.
    Josh leans forward. "Well then, maybe we should just take this evening slowly."
    *~*~*
    We talk a bit more, not about random pointless things, but about us. I tell him his friends are dicks and he agrees; he tells me I need to start saying when I don't want to do stuff rather than waiting 'til it gets to be too much, and then panicking, and I agree. I tell him I'm afraid of being unwanted. He tells me he's afraid of screwing up and losing things he cares about. I tell him how worried and nervous I am about Chelsea's baby, and he holds me close and shivers a little, but I don't ask why.
    It feels good being close to someone—being close to him .
    He's being slow, just like he promised, but I feel so comfortable that I let my hand move down. Then his moves down as well, and then just as things are starting to get interesting, I twist around on the sofa and my hair slides back off my head. Josh pauses under my hands.
    I close my eyes.
    I can feel his breath gently against my forehead as he bends down to kiss me—to kiss it . Everything's going so well, and I don't want to cry and mess it up again, so I take a deep breath, and whisper, "Sorry, I know … I know it's kinda ugly."
    "Luke, you are fucking amazing and seriously beautiful." He doesn't sound freaked out or disgusted. "And this is a part of you."
    The words sound weird coming from a six foot tall rugby player lying on a sofa with his shirt off, but for some reason, I don't care what Josh is anymore.
    I just care about him.
    *~*~*
    The bed's empty when I wake up, just a dip in the mattress where Josh's body was, and the sweet, lingering smell of him and me, and what we ended up doing last night. There's a scrawled note by the side of the bed as well, explaining that he's gone to lectures and we can meet for lunch at The Cafe Project if I want.
    I feel a little bit disappointed as I get myself out of bed and start using up his hot water. I guess Chemistry students have a lot of lectures, but somehow, I'd rather hoped he might skip just one day for me. I was looking forward to