Christmas At Leo's - Memoirs Of A Houseboy Read Online Free PDF Page A

everyone else is mellowed out. It’s like being the only straight line on a page of wavy ones. You’re a jarring aberration in an otherwise harmonious pattern. By the time the last guest, another of Dick’s golf club pals, was poured into a taxi I wasn’t so much wishing people a ‘Merry Christmas’ as snarling it. Merry fucking Christmas, now piss off home before I beat you to death with a giant turkey drumstick!
    As soon as the front door was shut and locked, I left Shane setting the alarm and rushed upstairs, leaving a trail of pungent vapour in my wake as a portion of the tornado raging in my gut forced its way out. My bowel wasn’t the only soft drink casualty. My teeth felt furred with a nasty residue from all the fizzy drinks I’d consumed over the course of the evening. Now I knew how a kettle felt when limescale built up on the element. It was horrible. I couldn’t wait to brush them.
    When I came out of the bathroom, Dick was in the bedroom, unbuttoning his shirt.
    “Workplace obligations over for another year, thank goodness.” He smiled. “It went well, Gilli. People enjoyed themselves. You should be pleased.”
    “Why?” I gave him a dark look.
    “Because you made it happen. Take pleasure in it.”
    “Yeah, yeah, a job well done and all that shite. I’m thrilled everyone had such a good time. Shame I didn’t.”
    “It’s late, honey. You’re tired. You’re always more shrewish when you’re tired. Go to bed.”
    I snatched my pyjamas off the willow chair. “I’m going to sleep in the den.”
    “Stop it, Gil. You are not stomping off in one of your childish strops.”
    “I’ve had a horrible boring night and I don’t want to be near you or him.”
    “Let it go.” He wagged a paternal finger. “It’s useless anger. It hurts no one but you.”
    “What’s going on?” Shane invaded the bedroom.
    “Baby says he’s going to sleep in the den.”
    “Baby is not sleeping in the den.” He strode over to me, swiping a heavy paw across my butt. “Get undressed and into bed pronto, you ornery brat, or I’ll flay the skin from your tail with my belt.”
    Baby did as he was told. The men folk undressed, brushed their teeth and climbed into bed. They each kissed me on the cheek and then kissed each other goodnight. I got minor revenge on them for their harshness by pumping some Pepsi gas under the duvet. Once the fumes had dissipated, they soon fell asleep. It took me a while longer, but I succumbed in the end.
    The mood I went to sleep with was still with me when I woke up. It was made worse when I discovered a fresh outbreak of small red spots around my nose. No matter what lotions and potions I use, the bastards keep coming back. It was a side effect of my AED’s, and it was getting me down more and more. I was developing pockmarks from the constant flare-ups. My doctor had cheerfully told me it was called an acneiform drug eruption. I was one of the unlucky minority to whom it happened. Being an unlucky minority seemed to be the story of my life. I swiped a cotton pad soaked in Clearasil around my snout and went downstairs.
    As I pottered around the kitchen I mulled over the discipline Shane had dished out when he found me in the bedroom the night before. I didn’t think he’d been fair. I’d worked hard. I’d earned a breather. I was rather hoping he’d mention the matter when he came down for breakfast, so I could restate my case (whinge whine and bitch) but even while thinking it I knew it wouldn’t happen. As far as he was concerned, it was over. He’d made known his disapproval of my action, subject closed. It was up to me to accept it and move on. Acceptance doesn’t come easy to me. I don’t have a Buddhist aspect to my personality.
    I made porridge and set it on the table before yelling up the stairs that it was ready and I was putting his eggs on to boil, so he’d better hurry up if he didn’t want the yolks going hard.
    He came into the kitchen looking casually