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here”. As always, he walked downstairs and we could hear him laughing about how much he scared us. Elaine, too, was laughing loudly in her distinctive caustic creepy style. I was still trembling with fear and, I did not see what was so funny. Why do so many people, family and bullies, get such great pleasure out of making me fear them? Someday I am going to do something about it to cause them pain, as I feel. Well, I knew when we got to the holidays I would be having these issues as I always do. Maybe Christmas will be better this year.
    Weeks later
    Before I know it, it is Christmas and time for the family to get together as always, and wait for Santa Claus to bring presents. When the big day, December 24 arrives, I am happy it is Christmas Eve, one of my favorite days in the whole year. We always have a similar event. The kids go upstairs, and a very long half hour later, Grandpa shouts up the stairs that Santa is here and he was leaving. We all run down the stairs as fast as we can, through the kitchen, into the family room and saw all the adults standing at the front door shouting goodbye to the departing Santa Claus. When I get to the front door, Ernie said,
    “You just missed him; maybe you’ll see him next year.”
    Darn, I thought but I said, “Did he leave us any presents?”
    “Yes, they are under the tree”, Grandpa said. All of us ran into the living room where the Christmas tree and the presents were.
    After we received our gifts, Donna, Danny, Lauren and I went upstairs to play. After about a half hour, Elaine tromped loudly up the stairs. She grabbed me by both arms and shook me so violently I could feel my head snapping back and forth, “Stop making all that noise”, she screamed loudly with her face about three inches from mine.
    Take that grin off your face or I will do it for you!” I began to cry. Seeing this, she screamed even louder,
    “Stop that crying or I will give you something to cry about.” I could not stop crying, so she hit me two times on the rear end. It really hurt. I cried louder, so she pushed me away and tromped back down the stairs, screaming,
    “Be quiet up here or I will be back up to spank all of you.” Someday, I am going to fix her, I thought. I hate her. I thought that I would rather be totally alone than have to put up with these people, even if it meant I would never see another Christmas present or the people that I do like in the family again. It would be worth it. Unknown to me at the time, this attitude about family was to stay with me for the rest of my life.
    Being in a family with bullies’ means, in my mind, no matter where I am any day of my life, I am never safe from painful abuse and humiliating intimidation. Whether I am on the street, at school, or at home, bullies are everywhere. I am tired of being afraid everywhere.
    I am not sure what I will do about my constant fear but I can feel determination building within me. Next month, I will look into various ways of dealing with the bullies whether they are family, Nuns or street kids. I am beginning to feel they are all the same. The only difference, as far as the Sisters are concerned, is that I have never seen them gloat or brag about mistreating me as I constantly see with both the school bullies and certain family members.
    One month later
    It is time to plan how to deal with the bullying, and I cannot think of anything else. I know the best thing that could happen is that I will get bigger, but don’t think I can do anything about growing faster right now. One answer might be to get stronger and learn how to fight. Kids seem to get so much pleasure out of bullying me, but I think if I could hurt them in some way, I think they might stop. Since I started hitting the smaller bullies, I learned that they do not expect to get hurt when they hurt little me. Maybe, if I could find a way to hurt them all, they might leave me alone, which is all I want. It does not matter how much they hurt me or whether I