Bullied Read Online Free PDF Page B

down in the basement with my grandfather watching him do woodwork, he took me over to my chin up bar which I had left in a doorway, and asked me," What is this Pat?” I said," I just use it for exercises, Grandpa.” He got a twinkle in his eye and said, "That's good.” Grandpa always knew a lot more than he let on. Later on that day, I heard Grandma complaining to Grandpa about how much time I spent in the basement.
    “Lawrence, Pat is always down in the basement after school and he won’t tell me why,” Grandma said.
    “Nell, don’t worry about it, there isn’t anything that he can get into down there,” Lawrence said.
    “How do you know that, you have lots of sharp tools down there, don’t you?”
    “He has an exercise bar down there and I asked him about it and he told me he was doing exercises. Maybe he is just trying to lose some weight. After all, Nell, he is becoming a teenager,” Lawrence said.
    “Don’t you think we should make him tell us?” Nell asked.
    “Naw, leave the kid alone, would you, Nell? Boys go through a lot when they are growing up. I can see from the marks in the concrete that he moves the bar around a lot doing different exercises. He is going to be a man someday and he needs his strength.
    Please don’t ask him about it anymore, either,” Grandpa Lawrence said.
    “Ok, - - - - I guess,” said Nell
    After that conversation, whenever I am going down to the basement, Grandma gives me her concerned and questioning look, but does not ask me about it anymore.
    These exercises were to go on for months, and then years. For a long time, I could not tell if they were doing any good, but then I did notice when I threw a newspaper that I felt muscles in my chest that, previously, I did not even know I had. Of course, nothing really changed about the almost daily violence I struggled desperately to deal with.
    The one thing that I notice that comes from exercise is a little more confidence. Nevertheless, the occasions of threats, name-calling and necessary fighting seems to be increasing in spite of all efforts to avoid it. In addition, that feeling of warmth and passion is increasing in my chest, stomach and crotch. It seems like my penis is always hard and throbbing. Many of the other boys are also dealing with this problem and sometimes they show everyone their penis in the restroom and brag how hard it is, but nobody knows why this is happening.
    The only words that I hear occasionally in school, that seem related to this issue, is “puberty” and "making love” but that was for “only a man and his wife, and never for people not married.” No one tells us what “making love”, really means so I cannot figure out why I have these feelings.
    At the same time, many of the bullies still call me “Fag” and “Queer”. All those taller, good looking, popular kids are so concerned what other kids think of them that they are willing to do anything to enhance their image, even at someone else’s expense. I am beginning not to care what anyone thinks of me, as long as Bullies do not bother me. This is another attitude that was to last a lifetime.
    I now spend a lot of time in my room analyzing how a fight works. I also make rules for myself about how to react. I have to do this because, one day in front of the school, a large boy came up to me with a barrage of intimidating questions and I could not think fast enough to answer him. During that encounter, I did not know if I had to fight him or if I could just walk away. My mind just does not work fast enough to understand my options. I now spend hours in my room thinking how these confrontations play out and deciding when I have no choice but to fight, even though I hate doing so.
    The most important question I have to ask myself is, "Do I have to fight?” When facing a bully, I have to figure out when I have no choice but to fight. If the bully is just going to push me a little, or punch me in the arm, I can just ignore it and move