Brass Monkeys Read Online Free PDF Page A

entertaining.”
    “Strobe teaches science,” Harriet went on, “and Fundabore—”
    “Thunderous Bore,” put in Weeser.
    “Teaches band,” Harriet said.
    I shivered. “I think I’m signed up for all three.”
    Weeser and Alvin groaned in sympathy.
    I swallowed nervously. “Listen, if these guys are that bad, why don’t you complain to your parents? At Harris we had Mr. Heilbart, this strange English—”
    Harriet stopped me with a pitying look. “We did all that. When Ming and her friends arrived a year ago we started complaining like crazy, both to our parents and to Mr. Plumly, the principal. We even got up a petition.”
    “But old Plumly—” began Alvin.
    “Thumper,” added Weeser under his breath.
    “Is almost as bad as Ming,” Harriet finished.
    “And every time the parents came up to check on things,” Weeser said, “Ming and the others changed like chameleons. Suddenly they were the greatest teachers in the world. Totally bamboozled our parents. ‘Course that wasn’t hard.”
    Harriet sighed. “We used to have a lot of good teachers, but one by one Ming and her buddies drove them out. Now there isn’t anybody who really cares. Anyway, the three of us have kind of a bad reputation up at school. We’ve been trying so hard to improve things, but I’m afraid it hasn’t helped much.”
    “Yeah, we’re like
The Last of the Mohicans
,” said Weeser. “We see stuff no one else sees. In fact, we could write a book about it, except no one would believe us.”
    The three of them slapped some high-fives and I watched enviously. Right at that moment I wanted more than anything to be a part of their group. I didn’t want to be the hotshot B.B., but I desperately wanted to, well, to belong.
    “I understand exactly what you guys are saying,” I said. “My life’s kind of like a book too. I mean, really goofy things happen to me all the time. Like today for instance.” Quickly I told them about the old man with the sword. “I mean, that’s weird. On top of all that, he acted like he wanted to tell me something.” I waited for their astonished looks. Weeser and Alvin burst out laughing.
    “Relax, Tonka-bud,” said Alvin. “You saw Funny Frank, the town nut-cake.”
    “Don’t call him that,” said Harriet. “He’s just a sad old man.”
    “He thinks he sees aliens from outer space,” said Weeser, “and he’s always trying to warn us. Sometimes he writes goofy messages on the porch or garage.”
    “Lots of times he’ll carry a toy rifle or a plastic sword,” added Alvin.
    “Oh,” I said. My face was hot with embarrassment. “Well, I thought it was sort of interesting.” Just then Mom came clattering up the stairs and peeked in. I could tell she was irritated with me for disappearing when she needed help.
    “Well, Mr. Billy, here you are hiding up here. How about getting back downstairs and giving me a hand with the stove and refrigerator?” She smiled at the others, letting them know she wasn’t really mad.
    She went back down and I started to follow her when I realized Harriet was staring strangely at me. Alvin and Weeser were also giving me an odd look.
    “Mr. Billy?” said Harriet. “What’s that all about?”
    “Nothing,” I said, but then the whole thing flashed through me like an electric shock. “It’s just a stupid nickname.” I hesitated, and
    I wished I’d hesitated for forty years before I told them the rest, but no …
    “Billy Bumpus,” I said.

5

a scary message in the snow
    I heard Harriet gasp. Alvin cut loose with a bellowing laugh.
    “I knew it,” Harriet said. Her eyes sparkled with a fierce light.
“It is you.”
    “Gotta be you!” Weeser burst out. “Now it works!”
    “No way,” I began. I felt a hot, rising panic. “Guys, listen. That’s just my Mom’s dumb
nickname
for me.” But they weren’t hearing a thing I said.
    Weeser shot me a buddy-punch to the shoulder, and Alvin gave me what I’m sure he thought was a friendly