Attack of the Fairytale Zombies! Read Online Free PDF Page A

scanned the beach, looking for any sign of Douchebagga.
    Heather’s shoulders fell. “I don’t see her.”
    But Barth had already stopped searching the lake and was too busy pining over Heather. Her porcelain skin looked even more dazzling beneath the sun’s rays, so dazzling in fact, that if she were a vampire, she’d probably sparkle.
    “So you really work for Douchebagga?” he asked.
    “Yeah.”
    Barth swallowed a lump which had suddenly formed in his throat as he inched closer to her. “You don’t seem like a vile witch.”
    Shock crossed her pale features. “Do all witches have to be vile?”
    He shrugged apologetically. “Douchebagga is.”
    She sighed while shaking her head. “Is she really vile or just misunderstood?”
    He arched a brow. “Are you serious?”
    “Okay,” Heather relented. “Maybe she’s a little vile, but just because I’m a witch, too, that doesn’t mean I have to be vile.”
    Hope surged in Barth’s chest as he felt an intimate connection to Heather. He knew exactly how she felt. “I know what you mean. Just because I’m a dragon slayer, doesn’t mean I have to slay dragons.”
    “Technically speaking, since slaying dragons is part of the title, yes it does.” She planted a fist on her curved hip. “If you don’t want to slay dragons, you should consider a whole new profession.”
    His jaw went momentarily slack before he held up both hands in a defensive gesture. “But it’s all I know how to do.”
    She wagged a finger. “You need to learn to adapt. When the king took over the dwarves’ jewel mine, they switched to mining coal.”
    Barth eyed her skeptically. “And now they all have breathing problems.”
    “But they have jobs,” she argued, “so they can afford healthcare and prescription asthma drugs.”
    Barth tilted his head to the side while scrunching his brow. “This is really sounding less and less like a fairytale, and I’m starting to wonder if the author has a hidden social agenda.”
    “Look!” Drag, who had conveniently managed to stay quiet during the entire scene between Barth and Heather, pointed toward a shiny object floating in the lake. “An empty flask.”
    “Shit!” Barth ran toward the water’s edge, then thought better of retrieving the flask as he was suddenly struck by the horrific image of his balls turning to dried up raisins. “We’re too late.”
    “What do we do?” Heather cried.
    Barth, being the knight and supposedly the hero, decided it was time for him to assume the role of the lead male in the novel and take control of the situation by issuing an authoritative command. “Find a way to close down the lake. Don’t let anyone use this water.”
    They all turned their heads at the distinct sound of cheerful whistling. They watched with slack jaws as several pint-sized dwarves marched past them and into the water. A pale-skinned woman, scantily clad in a red-and-blue bikini top and a yellow, g-string bottom, squeaked like a mouse on crack as she raced ahead of them before diving head-first into the lake.
    She popped her head out of the water. “The first one to catch me gets to tickle my g-spot,” she giggled while ripping off her padded bikini top and throwing it onto the shore.
    “Hi, ho, hi, ho, it’s off to gang-bang we go,” the dwarves sang as they dove after the woman.
    “No, wait!” Barth finally called after them.
    That’s when he noticed the other fairytale creatures in the water had started to moan.
    “Oh, gawd, their balls must be shrinking,” Drag croaked.
    Heather’s hands flew to her mouth. “What do we do?”
    “I say we just fly away and pretend this never happened.” Drag’s normally deep voice was laced with high-pitched urgency. “I don’t want to be here when testicles start dropping off.”
    Just then, two ominous glowing eyes appeared from within the forest shadows as a huge, menacing beast slowly came into full view. The beast sulked toward the water’s edge.
    “Big Bad