Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations Read Online Free PDF Page A

you while we were still dating.
    —There’s no expiration date on the coupons.
    —Brian, it’s been four years. I’m married now.
    —One home-cooked meal, please. Then sex. Here… here’s the sex one. One of the sex ones.
    —Brian, I’m sorry. It’s over between us.
    —Coupons are coupons.
    —Wow, Brian … you’ve really gained a lot of weight. Is everything okay?
    —I’ve got three sex coupons. I’d like to use them alltoday, then the meal, then the shower. Tomorrow, I’ll come back with the rest of the coupons. They’re all sex.
    —Jesus, what happened to your nails? I can’t believe I didn’t notice them when I first opened the door. They’re so long .
    —I would like to use a sex one now please.

Stadium proposal
    Last night at Cowboys Stadium, Graham Baxter proposed to his girlfriend, Jennifer, in front of forty-one thousand screaming fans.
    “Look up,” he said. “There’s something I want you to see.”
    There it was, in ten-foot neon lights:
    JENNIFER, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
    “Of course!” she squealed. “Of course I will, darling!”
    There were two other Jennifers at the game.

S ECTION 26, R OW 19
    JENNIFER : Of course I will, Michael! Of course!
    MICHAEL : Huh? Where are you pointing? … Oh, no! Oh, God!
    JENNIFER : I have three children who you’ve never met and two of them have bad problems.

S ECTION 45, R OW 11
    JENNIFER : Danny, we’ve had some rough patches … but … yes! My answer is yes!
    DANNY : What do you mean? Oh—oh, no! (crying) Who did this!?
    JENNIFER : God. My magical Druid God.
    DANNY : …
    JENNIFER : The ceremony has to be Druid.

sultan of brunei
    The Sultan of Brunei is the richest oil magnate in the world. Servants, yachts, castles—he’s got everything! Everything except true love.
    GIRLFRIEND : What’s wrong, honey?
    SULTAN : Well … it’s just… sometimes I think you’re only going out with me because of my money.
    GIRLFRIEND : Oh, darling! How could you say something like that?
    SULTAN : What do you mean? I can say whatever I want. I’m the Sultan of Brunei.
    GIRLFRIEND : You’re right, I’m sorry.
    SULTAN : Get back into your fortress of rubies.
    SULTAN : Honey, if I ask you a question, will you promise to tell me the truth?
    CONCUBINE : Of course!
    SULTAN : Would you still love me if I were poor? Keep in mind that if you say no, one of my warriors will murder you.
    CONCUBINE : Yes, I would love you no matter what!
    SULTAN : Okay, good. Now … do you want to see a movie or go bowling? Keep in mind that if you say bowling, one of my warriors will murder you.
    CONCUBINE : Let’s see a movie.
    SULTAN : I am the Sultan of Brunei!
    SULTAN : I’m sorry I missed our anniversary, honey. Things were crazy at the office. I was counting gold bars and—
    WIFE : You didn’t even get me a present!
    SULTAN : Yes I did! I got you … this …drum of crude oil.
    WIFE : That’s not going to work this time.
    SULTAN : You’re so unforgiving! What happened to the woman I married?
    WIFE : Which one? You have two hundred wives.
    SULTAN : The one with the ribbons.
    WIFE : She’s downstairs, I think.
    SULTAN : Oh. What about Sheila?
    WIFE : I’m Sheila.
    SULTAN : Oh.
    (Pause.)
    SULTAN : Bear me a child of solid gold.

endangered species
Last year, the San Francisco Zoo attempted to mate their endangered striped panda with three females from other zoos in an effort to perpetuate the species. But their venture failed, and ultimately the striped panda became extinct .
—SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE
    A TTEMPT 1
    Hi, nice to meet you! Welcome to San Francisco! God, these blind dates are pretty awkward! It’s really nice of the zookeepers to set us up like this, though, huh? I guess they’re probably hoping that we’ll mate! (Pause.) I’m sorry. That was really out of bounds. Wow, I can’t believe I said something so thoughtless. You must think I’m a total idiot. Jesus, and now I’m making it even worse. And that— that last thing I said —made it even worse!