Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations Read Online Free PDF Page B

are you doing this to me?
    —Tell me the truth.
    —Okay! All right! You gained 11 pounds, give or take 3 pounds! Is that what you wanted to hear? Jesus Christ!
    —I knew it. You think I’m fat. That’s why you’ve been flirting with that Debbie girl from work. Even though she’s half your age .
    —I wasn’t flirting with her! And she’s not half my age. You can tell just by looking at her that she’s 27, give or take 3 years.
    —(Sobbing.)
    —Hey, come on! Why are we fighting? I love you . When I’m out there on the midway every night, guessing people’s weights and ages, I’m doing it for you! I’m doing it for our kids!
    —I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to start a fight. (Kisses him.) Little Tommy sure is growing up, isn’t he?
    —4 foot 4, give or take 3 inches.
    —And Suzy! I can’t believe how adult she’s getting.
    —14 to 17 years old.
    —Wait. You don’t know how old our daughter is?
    —Jesus Christ, I’m not a computer! (Sighs.) Look …I’m sorry, okay? Here. I got you a giant stuffed animal.
    —That’s not going to work this time.

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my roommate is really
hard to get along with
    ROOMMATE : What happened to my chips?
    ME : Oh, I ate some while you were in the bathroom. I’m sorry, I should have asked first.
    ROOMMATE : You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law.
    ME : Not this again …
    ROOMMATE : I’m making a citizen’s arrest.
    ME : Come on!
    ROOMMATE : (dialing) Police? Yeah, it’s me. I got a live one for you, 119 Elmer Street.
    ME : You can’t keep doing this! This is the fourth time this week!
    ROOMMATE : (hanging up) The cops are on their way. In the meantime, I’m going to have to ask you to wait in the citizen’s jail.
    ME : You mean the kitchenette?
    ROOMMATE : Yes.
    (Policeman enters.)
    POLICEMAN : I understand there’s been a crime?
    ROOMMATE : That’s right. I placed this man under arrest. He’s a thief.
    POLICEMAN : Do you want me to take him to the courthouse, or just rough him up a little?
    ROOMMATE : Rough him up.

homework
    —Hey man, can you help me out with my math homework?
    —Sure.
    —Great, thanks. On problem 7, am I supposed to take the sine or the cosine of this angle?
    —Let me think … Stab and Obliterate the Hebrews, Crucify All the Hebrews, Triumph Over All … I guess it’s the cosine.
    —Wait—what did you just say?
    —Cosine.
    —No, before that. About the Hebrews?
    —Oh, that’s just a mnemonic device I came up with. “Stab” stands for “sine,” “Obliterate” stands for “opposite leg of,” “Hebrews” stands for “hypotenuse.”
    —Oh. Well, couldn’t you have picked a device that’s…less hateful? I mean, as a Jew I’m pretty offended by what you just said.
    —Really? Those words are totally random. I just picked them because they started with the right letters.
    —Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m sorry, I overreacted.
    —It’s okay. Let’s try another problem.
    —Cool. So, in problem 9, do you know which operation we’re supposed to do first? Is it exponents or division?
    —Let me think … Permanently Eliminate Many Jews, Destroy All Synagogues …You do exponents first.
    —What the hell was that?
    —Oh, that was just another mnemonic: Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition, Subtraction.
    —But that one doesn’t even work! The word “Jew” doesn’t stand in for anything!
    —Yeah, you’re right. I guess it’s sort of like a placeholder?
    —Well, it’s really offensive.
    —I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe “Jew” could stand in for “’jacent?” You know, like, short for “adjacent”?
    —But then it doesn’t make sense mathematically.
    —I’m not changing the mnemonic.

when small talk goes wrong
    —Did you see who won the game?
    —I was at the game. A ball hit my son in the face. He’s in critical condition at Mt. Sinai Hospital. The doctors say he might not