Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations Read Online Free PDF

God, this is so humiliating.
    A TTEMPT 2
    … I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously. A lot of other animals around here like to strutaround and growl, but I don’t buy into any of that. That’s not to say I can’t growl loudly. I can.
    So this is my rock. I like to do my exercises here. I don’t work out too much, I’m not obsessive or anything. I climb the rock about fifty or sixty times a day. I mean, sure, for some guys that would be a lot. But for me it isn’t. Climbing the rock is pretty easy for me.
    See those bleachers? During the daytime, they’re full of kids. The zookeeper gives me a treat every time I do my trick, but you want to know something? I would do the trick for free, just to see the smiles on those kids’ faces. That’s just the kind of guy I am.
    Do you want to see my trick? No? Okay, that’s cool. Are you sure? Okay.
    Say, that’s a nice ankle tag you got on! It really looks good … on your ankle. God, I always do this. I do this every time.
    A TTEMPT 3
    … Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think female striped pandas deserve the same amount of respect as male striped pandas. I mean sure, males can growl louder and climb the rock more times, but it’s what’s deep down that counts. I guess you could say that’s kind of my philosophy on life.
    Look at me, talking your head off! You must be hungry. Hold on, I’ll get the zookeeper’s attention. (Growls.) Okay … I guess he didn’t hear me. We might have to wait a while.
    So, your tag says you’re from Siberia? That’s pretty cool! Do you have a lot of brothers and sisters there? Oh, right … of course you don’t. I’m sorry.

mating throughout history
    S TONE A GE
    SCRAWNY GUY : Hi! I was wondering … do you want to mate with me?
    WOMAN : I don’t think so. You’re not really my type. I’m looking for a guy with really big muscles. You know, the kind of guy who can build me a fort and protect my children from forest beasts. I’m sorry.
    SCRAWNY GUY : It’s cool … That’s actually pretty reasonable. See you around.
    WOMAN : See ya.
    P RESENT D AY
    SCRAWNY GUY : Hi! I was wondering … can I buy you a drink after work?
    WOMAN : I don’t think so. You’re not really my type. I’mlooking for a guy with really big muscles. You know, the kind of guy who can build me a fort and protect my children from forest beasts. I’m sorry.
    SCRAWNY GUY : What? That doesn’t make any sense. We live in a city , thousands of miles away from the nearest forest.
    WOMAN : I’m sorry. I’m just not attracted to you.
    T HE F UTURE
    SCRAWNY GUY : Hi! I was wondering … do you want to drink some purified water with me after this asteroid barrage stops?
    WOMAN : I don’t think so. You’re not really my type. I’m looking for a guy with really big muscles. You know, the kind of guy who can build me a fort and protect my children from forest beasts.
    SCRAWNY GUY : What forest beasts? We’re the last remaining species on the planet!
    WOMAN : I’m sorry. I’m just not attracted to you.
    SCRAWNY GUY : Listen, I have a unique genetic mutation that allows me to breathe radon gas like it was air! I’m the only person on earth who can survive the nuclear winter. If you don’t mate with me, all human life will die out!
    THE LAST MUSCULAR GUY ON EARTH : (coughing from the radon gas) Hey, baby. Nice ass.
    WOMAN : (Giggles.)
    SCRAWNY GUY : What’s happening? This is completely insane.
    THE LAST MUSCULAR GUY ON EARTH : (sweating) Let’s go to my fort, babe. (Cough.) I built it out of rocks, using my muscle arms.
    WOMAN : Whatever you say, lover.

————
when the
“guess your weight” guy
from the carnival got married
    —Darling, can I ask you a question?
    —Sure.
    —Do you think I gained any weight over the holidays?
    —I don’t know. I can’t tell.
    —We’ve been over this. I know you can tell.
    —You look as beautiful as ever!
    —I was 119 pounds in October. How much do you think I weigh now?
    —Why