Among the Living Read Online Free PDF

too much youth and Jesler gave her a bright fake smile.
    He said, “And there you are.”
    “Yes, there I am. Mary Royal!” she shouted. “The meatballs should be done.” She pointed a finger at him. “So. There.”
    Pearl blew him a kiss and moved along. Jesler retrieved his glass from the drawer and toasted to his latest reprieve.

    “Ike?”
    Goldah heard the knocking. It grew stronger and he checked for his shoes. He pushed himself up and dropped his feet to the floor. Beyond the knocking was the low hum of voices, laughter, glasses tinkling. There was a sudden swell of light that passed across the wall and he stood and pulled back the drape to see a line of cars along the street. He tasted the sleep in his mouth and ran his hand across his face.
    The door creaked open and Jesler’s head emerged into the room.
    “Ike?”
    The light from the hallway angled across his bed. “I’m here,” said Goldah.
    “Oh, yes. There you are. Good. Pearl thought it’d be best if we let you sleep. She’s set everything out for you in the bathroom. Tooth cream, toothbrush, razor, comb, towels, that sort of thing. If you need a shirt, there’s one of mine laid out. Shouldn’t be too bad under the jacket. There’s a tie or two as well.”
    “Thank you.”
    “Take your time. People are still arriving. You’ll get to make a grand entrance. How about that?”
    “Yes. Thank you.”
    Jesler looked as if he might go; instead, he stepped farther into the room.
    “Just so you know” — Jesler spoke to explain or to apologize, Goldah couldn’t tell which — “most of the folks coming tonight are in business like me. They’ll probably want to talk to you about the kind of work they do, maybe the kind of work you were doing. You were in newspapers before the war, weren’t you?”
    “I was, yes.”
    “Well there, you see … that’s something they’ll be interested in. And they’re going to want to help you fit in, maybe talk about opportunities, I don’t know, so if it gets too much and you’re feeling out of sorts, you just come and find me. Pearl’s not too good at knowing when things can get a bit much. Then again if something does interest you, well that’s okay, too. That’d be great. So you just let me know. Okay?”
    Goldah nodded and Jesler nodded, perhaps expecting more. Jesler said, “All right, then. I’ll see you down there.”
    He closed the door behind him and Goldah waited for his eyes to find the lamp. He stepped over and turned it on and winced at the light. The room was still so hot and all he felt was that he had never known sleep, only this exhaustion. Why not give him this first night, he thought. Why not that? It was the first and only self-pity he had allowed.
    Five minutes later Goldah noticed how the shirt was too big in the chest. Pulled back, it was still better than the wrinkles and stench of his own. The tie was wide and he put some water in his hair to give it a shine. His face smelled of mint from shaving.
    He tried to empty his mind as he stood at the top of the stairs. It was always best to come at these things without something to say: so much anticipated of him, as if he were only waiting for the opportunity to unburden himself. To see them all thinking, “I understand what it is you’ve lived through” — if only there wasn’t such a desperate longing in each of them to run. What a bind to put themselves in, the moral weight of it all, to be brave and consoling even as they felt nothing but pity and revulsion. Was it wrong to be revolted by a man like this? Did his story forgive them that? Wouldn’t he forgive them that? Didn’t they deserve to be forgiven?
    A few words of conversation rose up and Goldah followed them down the stairs. He smelled the cigarettes and the sour breath of whiskey in the air. A phonograph played something jaunty, and he heard the rough laughter of men who needed their laughter to be heard, the sound of women underneath.
    He reached the last