American Freak Show Read Online Free PDF

HAMPSHIRE
    January 9, 2008
    WHAT IS THIS? WHO IS MELISSA?!
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    To: [email protected]
    From: [email protected]
    Re: Re: NEW HAMPSHIRE
    January 9, 2008
    Oops! Totally sent that to the wrong person. Just following up with one of the senior fellows at Aspen Institute. My bad! See you soon, Hills.
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    The following e-mails were written on February 5, 2008, the primary day known as Super Tuesday.
    To: [email protected]
    From: [email protected]
    Re: SUPER TUESDAY!
    February 5, 2008
    Big wins tonight. We’re still alive! I won the real states (CA and NY) and BO won a bunch more that don’t have running water or people with teeth. Whatever.
    I know all that stuff you said in South Carolina was bad and everything, but I think you made the country finally wake up and realize BO is a black guy! Time to get real, America. This isn’t American Idol, you illiterate dipshits! IT’S THE GODDAMNED PRESIDENCY!!!
    BTW, we’re trying to come up with a list of scary black guys to compare Obama to. So far we have: Mike Tyson, 50 Cent, Louis Farrakhan, Suge Knight, and that huge guy from Green Mile . More?
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    To: [email protected]
    From: [email protected]
    Re: Re: SUPER TUESDAY!
    February 5, 2008
    Glad all my work out here in American Samoa paid off! Been beatin’ the bushes for two weeks. We earned this one!
    Crazy story: after a long night of drinking coconut rum at a Get Out the Vote rally in Pago Pago, I found myself in a wild threesome that lasted for what seemed like days. Before you get ticked off, hear me out. As the political gods would have it: my new friends turned out to be . . . drum roll please . . . American Samoa’s TWO DELEGATES! What are the odds?! Gal named Shannon and a neat local fella by the name of Marcel. Let’s just say they were on the fence going in and “solidly Clinton” afterward. Classic retail politics, right? This really was a SUPER Tuesday! Ha!
    Oh, and on the black guy thing, Obama reminds me of Snoop Dogg: tall, skinny, wily, and likes drugs. Go with it.
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    The following e-mail was written in the early morning hours of June 1, 2008, the day of the Puerto Rico primary.
    To: [email protected]
    From: [email protected]
    Re: PUERTO RICO
    June 1, 2008
    Yes, Bill, I know it’s 2:30 a.m., and, yes, I am drunk-mailing from San Juan right now. This race is so over. Soooooooo over. I only came down here to sit in the sun and blow the rest of the campaign money on a giant Ricky Martin concert. That guy is such a flamer. It’s not even clear to me that Puerto Ricans are allowed to vote in our elections. Are they? I always forget.
    So, whoopee, Hillary Clinton has 18 million votes! Great! She put cracks in the glass ceiling! Yayyyyy! Funny, I don’t see any of those 18 million people right now. The only two people in this room are me and Jose Cuervo. Oh, and I think that’s Ed Rendell passed out in the bathtub. It’s been a weird night.
    I wonder if this is what it was like for Elvis at the end. All the fame and money in the world meant nothing as he sat alone on the can with a bottle of pills. It all means NOTHING! Or maybe this is what Hitler felt like alone in that bunker before he capped himself.
    I can’t believe J.Lo didn’t endorse me. Ricky Martin’s endorsement was nice, but it would have been even nicer . . . if I were running for president in 1999!!! Is Shakira Puerto Rican? Who knows.
    OK, I’m rambling. Bottom line: campaign is over. The dream is dead. All that for nothing. And by “all that,” I mean “my entire life.” You win, Bill, OK? YOU WIN AGAIN! You’re the president everybody loves. You can do no wrong. And I’m just the mean lady who blew it. I’m the inevitable candidate who lost to a BLACK GUY! I lost to a black guy from Indonesia who loves cocaine, for Christ’s sake! Do you know what this means? There’s gonna be a black president and it’s my fault. I’m so