All That I Need (Secret Desires) Read Online Free PDF Page A

be lying. He gains a little bit of himself back each month, and I feel hopeful that if he stays the course he’ll get past this.
    It was a rainy evening, and I’d been feeling unsettled. I finally fell asleep after tossing and turning for hours, not long after my water broke.
    Rolling over, “Austin, I think it’s time.” With that a contraction gripped me. “Oh yeah, it’s time.”
    He was groggy, but aware. “Okay, let’s go.” He sat up slowly, and got his bearings about him. 
    I waddled to the bathroom to quickly clean up as Austin grabbed my overnight bag. We made our way to the hospital. Hospitals…he didn’t like hospitals. I didn’t know if he’d go in. He avoided most of my doctor visits during the pregnancy, and now was the moment of truth. A piece of me wished I was brave enough to have a home birth, but I was desperate for a nerve block to ease any pain.
    As we pulled up, he helped me to the door and said he’d be in shortly. I didn’t know if they were just words, or if he’d actually walk through the doors. A nurse came out with a wheelchair and started me towards the maternity ward.  My doctor had been called and would check my progress as the night wore on. I’d been warned a first pregnancy can be a long labor process.
    I put it out of my mind that Austin wasn’t by my side yet, and wondered if I should call somebody to be with me. I hoped Austin would push through in the moment, and make it into the hospital, but it didn’t look that way.
    I felt desperately alone. When I looked up, he was holding tight to the doorframe of my room. “I’m trying,” he grimaced. “It’s just taking longer than I thought it would.”
    My face lit up, my husband would be by my side after all. I smiled at Austin, and welcomed him to my room. “It won’t be long now,” I said between contractions. “Could I get your hand?”
    Austin took a deep breath and walked over. Just as the next contraction rolled through, I gripped his hand with a force that can only be described as crushing. The wave of squeezing overwhelmed me, and then subsided like nothing happened.
    “You’ve got quite a grip,” he said, realizing his hand might take a beating through these next few contractions.
    “I can get a nerve block soon,” I panted. “Just a few more centimeters to go,” I warned. Pointing to the monitor, I showed him what the contractions looked like, so he could prepare himself.
    I was so happy Austin was by my side and would see our child coming into the world. I hoped he could hold out and stay. I knew it was a lot for him to be here, and tried to remind myself he might have to leave.
    “I’ll call everyone later,” he said. “It’s late. We’ll let them know in the morning.”
    “Sounds like a plan. As long as I have you with me, I’ll be fine.”
    As the next contraction hit, I squeezed his hand tightly. “Thanks for being here.”
    He nodded.
    The doctor came in, and I was ready for the news. I should be able to get my Epidural soon enough. Only, from his angle, it looked like things were progressing faster than he anticipated.
    “Well, you have a choice, you can skip the nerve block and push, or you can get it and wait a bit.”
    My eyes shot open. The urge to push was getting stronger, but I was terrified of the pain. Austin squeezed my hand, “You can do this, you’re strong.”
    I was in a panic; this wasn’t how we planned it. I was going to be numbed, and now nature was moving too fast. The decision was made for me, when an intense sensation rolled through me, and the urge to push overwhelmed me.
    “Let’s do this,” I said, terrified.
    The doctor smiled, and guided me through the process as I began pushing.
    I’m not going to lie, it hurt like hell, but once his head and shoulders were out, the worst was over. I was amazed, we had a boy! We decided to keep it a surprise, and here we were.
    A nurse handed my son to me, and I started to cry. He was real, he was here, and he was