All That I Need (Secret Desires) Read Online Free PDF Page B

present, rather than reliving the past over and over in his brain. He couldn’t undo or un-see the things that had happened, but he could make new, better memories.
    With high levels of stress hormones going through him, his body suffered over time. The meds seemed to help him, and he was learning new coping skills, and I was afraid if he stopped counseling he’d backslide again. We were about to learn about other medication side effects. We hadn’t been romantic in ages, and as our connection grew, something else didn’t.
    Erectile dysfunction threw us a curve ball, a side effect neither of us had paid much attention to, since sex was a rare event these days. As the weeks passed, and I was allowed to have intercourse again, we discovered things weren’t working how they once were.
    I understood, but Austin was shattered. He wanted to get off the medication immediately, realizing it was the reason for his lack of…well, you know. He felt like less of a man. He was depressed. It didn’t matter that he knew it was the medication; all he cared about was that he couldn’t perform. We were intimate in other ways, but it wasn’t enough in his eyes. The only problem was that going off the medication could change his stability.
    It was the first time we’d actually wanted to be together, only nothing happened. We figured it would just take a little warm up, a little foreplay, but still nothing. I mean, it got semi-hard but couldn’t reach its former glory, and left Austin feeling embarrassed. There would be no penetration, no intercourse, and rather than enjoying each other how we could, he turned away in frustration.
    I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the situation. Not at Austin, mind you, but at the fact that we’d finally gotten over the huge hurdle of his mental state. After my giving birth, I’d been given the green light to have sex again, and yet we couldn’t. It was one thing after another, it didn’t seem fair.
    Just as Austin was about to get back out there, about to take his locksmith courses, he sank into a depression again and put it off.
    I didn’t know what to do. While he was able to stay home with Ryan, with my maternity leave being over, we couldn’t afford this option. The baby brought new expenses, and we needed money, plain and simple.
    When he suggested borrowing money from his folks, I lost it. I wanted nothing from his mother, and knew it would be something she’d hold over us. Nothing was ever easy with her. Only Austin had other ideas, and saw it as a buffer, a temporary cushion that would ease our financial stress until he found work again – so he took it anyway.
    I was appalled and hurt that he made the decision without me, and once again another crack started to form between us. He meant well, wanting to lessen the strain our money struggles were causing, but in return it felt like he made a deal with the devil. Okay, so maybe that’s a little harsh, but she certainly wouldn’t make it easy on us.
    There were terms that went along with the money of course, and she wanted more and more input in our lives. She ruffled my feathers every chance she got, letting me know she could do better, or that I wasn’t good enough for her son. At least she was partial to Austin and Ryan, because so help me God if she pushed that crap on my son, I’d take her out.
    Austin finally made arrangements to take his courses, so he could apprenticeship as a locksmith. We had to work around my work schedule, and Heather helped us fill in the gaps, now that she was home raising her daughter. Twice a week, I dropped off Ryan on the way to work, and Austin would pick him up on his way back home from his classes.
    I was grateful for Heather at that point, because we desperately needed Austin to get his career in motion.
    Aside from the sexual tension, the money his folks gave to us really did ease some of the stress and we fought less about finances. We pretended like his erectile dysfunction wasn’t