A Severed Head Read Online Free PDF Page A

hardly ever seen my golden Antonia so shaken, and this in itself was dreadful. I said gently, ‘ Do I understand you? If you mean you ’ re a bit in love with Palmer, I ’ m not surprised. I ’ m a bit in love with him myself. ’
    ‘ Don ’ t be flippant, Martin, ’ said Antonia. ‘ This is serious, it ’ s fatal . ’ She turned towards me, but without taking my gaze.
    I pushed back the shorter strands of golden hair from her big pale lined brow and drew my hand down her cheek to her mouth. She closed her eyes for a moment, remaining rigid. ‘ Well, do stop looking like that, dearest. You look as if you were going to be shot. Calm down and have your drink. Here, I ’ ll pour you out another one. Now talk to me rationally, and don ’ t frighten me out of my wits. ’
    ‘ You see, it ’ s not a matter of being a bit in love, ’ said Antonia, looking at me now with a glazed troubled stare. She spoke monotonously as if in her sleep, with an air of comatose desperation. ‘ It ’ s a matter of being very desperately and deeply in love. Perhaps we ought to have told you sooner, only it was so improbable, such an extreme love. But now we ’ re certain. ’
    ‘ Aren ’ t you both a bit old for this game? ’ I said. ‘ Come now! ’
    Antonia looked at me, her eyes hardened a little, and she became suddenly more present and conscious. Then she smiled sadly and gave a slight shake of the head.
    This impressed me. But I said, ‘ Look, darling, need we be quite so serious about this? ’
    ‘ Yes, ’ said Antonia. ‘ You see, I want a divorce. ’
    She had found the word difficult to utter. At the shock of it I stared at her, and bracing her body stiffly she stared back at me, trying to control her face. She lacked expressions for a scene of this austerity. I said, ‘ Don ’ t be ridiculous, Antonia. Don ’ t say wild things that you don ’ t mean. ’
    ‘ Martin, ’ said Antonia, ‘ please help me. I do mean it, and it will save us a lot of pain if you will understand me now, and see what things are like now . I know this must be a ghastly shock. But please try. It makes me utterly wretched to hurt you like this. Please help me by understanding. I am quite certain and quite determined. I would not have spoken to you if I were not. ’
    I looked at her. She would soon be in tears, her face stripped, strained like something exposed to a great wind; but there was, in her retention of control, a certain touching dignity. I could not yet believe her or believe that there was anything here which the customary pressure of my will could not sweep aside. I said quietly, ‘ You ’ re in an over-excited state, my sweet. Has that wretch Palmer been giving you drugs, I wonder? You say you ’ re in love with him. All right. That often happens in analysis. But let ’ s not have any more nonsense about divorce. And now can we just abandon this topic for the present? I suggest you finish your drink and then go and dress for dinner. ’
    I tried to rise, but Antonia grasped my arm, lifting a pitiful yet violent face. ‘ No, no no ’ she said. ‘ I must say it all now. I can ’ t tell you what this costs me. I want a divorce, Martin. I ’ m deeply in love. Just believe me, and then let me go away. I know it ’ s absurd and I know it ’ s dreadful, but I ’ m in love and I ’ m absolutely relentless. I ’ m sorry to surprise you and I ’ m sorry to speak like this, but I ’ ve got to make you understand what I mean. ’
    I sat down again. There was a desperate fierceness in her manner, but there was also fear, fear of my reactions. It was the fear which began to convince me and I felt the first light touch of a nightmarish terror. Yet this strange half-savage, half-terrified being was still my Antonia, my dear wife. I said, ‘ Well, well, if you ’ re so much in love with your analyst perhaps you ’ d better go to bed with him! Only don ’ t talk to me about divorce, for I simply won ’ t hear of it!