you ” t o e ach ot h e r. We bot h kne w it w as t r u e , we j u st d id n 't s a y it a ll th e t im e .
“I l ov e y o u t o o ” I s a id, h a lf o u t o f ob l i g a t i o n a n d h alf t o g e t outt a th e r oo m. I did n 't li k e t h e l ov e y - d ubb y s c ene . I t b o the r e d m e , to be ho n est.
I w en t t o my r oo m a n d tu r n e d th e l i ght s o ff. I s e t my phon e t o s i l en t a n d s e t th e a la r m f o r s i x . I a l wa y s g e t u p e a r ly so the r e ' s ho t w a te r l e ft f o r Mo m a n d D ad. I d id n 't kno w w h at t o s e t t h e a l a r m t o s i n ce Mo m w ou ld n 't b e the re t o c o m p l ai n .
As I l a id t h e r e , I c ou ld n 't g o t o sl eep . I tho u gh t a bo u t M o m be i n g d e ad. S h e w ou ld n 't b e th e r e i n th e m o r n i n g t o g e t a n g r y a bo u t th e ho t w a te r be i n g gon e o r t o g e t o n t o me a bou t no t e a t i n g b r e a k f a st ( w h ich I r e a l ly did). U s u a l l y , I w ok e up , thou g h t a bou t sl eep i n g in a n d s k i pp i n g c l a ss e s, g o t u p a n d go t my cl othe s a n d w a l ke d i nt o th e b a t h r oo m. M y b a th r oo m w a s c onne c te d t o my r oo m a n d t h e a dj o i n i n g gue st r oo m. Ac r os s th e h a ll f r o m th e g ue st r o o m w a s... is Mo m a n d D ad's r o o m. B e t w ee n th e t wo r o o m s i s th e s t ai rc as e . Y o u w alk d o wn a l ong , w i n di n g h a l l w ay a n d y o u ge t t o my r oo m. H a v i n g th e b a th r o o m sa ve d a l o t o f t ime in th e m o r n i ng s.
S o m et im e s, w he n my a la r m w ou ld n 't g o o ff, I w ou ld s k ip th e w al k i n g p art a n d j u st r u n t o th e b a th r o o m. Th at r a r e ly h a ppene d , be l i e v e i t o r not . W he n I u s e d an a l a r m th at p l u g ge d i nt o t h e w a ll, it h a ppe n e d a l o t (r ou g h ly t w ice a w eek ) . I st a r t e d us i n g my ph o n e a n d nev e r h ad a ny m o r e t r o ub l e .
Sl ee p did n 't c o me e a s il y . I d on 't eve n th i n k I w en t t o s l eep . I t w as th at k i n d o f s l ee p w h e r e y o u th i n k y o u ' r e a wa ke , bu t e ve ry t ime yo u l oo k at th e c l o c k , a not h e r h o u r h a s p a ss e d. A bou t fi v e o r fi ve - th i r t y , I j u st go t u p a n d beg an my da y . I w en t th r oug h my m o r n i n g r o u t i ne . I m ove d a l o t s l o w e r th i s m o r n i n g t h an I u s u a l ly did.
I pu t my c ont ac t s i n , to o k my m e d s, s t r i ppe d a n d go t i n th e sho w e r . Th e r e w e r e a f e w oth e r th i ng s I d o , s u ch a s b r u sh my t e eth , f l o ss, pe e . Th e u s u al th i ng s.
T h e w a te r w as hot , a lm o st p a i n f u lly s o . I w as he d my h air f i r st ( in c ase th e r e i s n 't a n y h o t wa te r at th e en d) the n w a she d my bo dy. I w a s s t ill m ov i n g sl o w, no t r e a l ly g e tt i n g a nyth i n g d o n e , bu t no t f o r g ett i n g w h at I n e e d e d t o do e i the r. Then , I p a u s e d.
T h e wa te r w as hu r t i n g , b u r n i n g my s k i n . I t f e l t. . . it f e lt goo d . I t g a v e me th e st r a n g e st s ens a t i o n th at s ee m t o he lp me f o r g e t ev e r y t h i ng ; he l pe d me f o r g e t a ll th at w a s go i n g o n i n my l if e . I l e a ne d a g ai n st th e w a ll o f th e s ho w e r . I t f e lt so goo d a n d hu rt so m u ch at th e s a me t i m e . I c o u ld f e e l e ve r yth i n g i ns ide o f me b e g in t o c a l m, eve n f o r th at b r i e f m o m ent .
W he n th e w a t e r g o t c o ld, I k n e w my s ho w e r w a s ov e r . I a l w a y s w ai te d unt il t h e ho t wa te r is go n e be f o r e g e tt i n g o u t ( s e lf i s h , bu t ne c e s s a r y ) . I s too d th e r e f o r a m o m en t ca t c h i n g my b r e a t h . I t w a sn 't th at th e sho w e r w o r e me ou t . I t w as th at f ee li n g I 'd n e ve r f e lt be f o r e . I t w a s ov e r w he l m i ng . Af t e r a m o m ent , I g