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as he r f a u l t . A l l h e r fa u l t .
    I go t o n my l a pt o p . I t w as r o u gh ly 2 : 4 5 p m, so n o on e w ou ld b e on li ne . I l ogg e d o n t o A I M a n d w a s g r ee t e d w i t h n o th i n g ( w h i ch did n 't s u r p ri se m e ).  P eop le w e r e p r ob a b ly a t s c hoo l, w o r k , o r j u st bored.
    I checked my email then Facebook.  My s t a tu s h ad b e e n e r as e d. I on ly up da t e d it on ce a w eek , i f th at m u c h . No w, it nee d e d up da t e d. I s t a r e d at it f o r a f e w m i nu t e s.  I did n 't kno w w h at t o w r i te , o r w h at I nee d e d t o ma k e kno wn t o t h e w o r ld. I beg an t yp i ng , w a t c h i n g th e w o r ds f o r m. S l o wl y . P a i n f u ll y .
    Mom i s d e ad.
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    S h e l o o ke d h o rr i b l e . I t too k a l o t o f c onv i n c i n g be f o r e d ad l e t me se e h e r . I c ou ld b a r e ly te ll it w a s he r . H o ne s t l y , I w a s n 't s u r e it w as. S h e h ad bee n da m a g e d. H e r f ace w a s a l m o st go n e , be y on d r e c o g n i t i o n . D ad w a s c r y i n g un c on t r o l l a b l y . I j u st st a r e d a t he r. Th i s w as my f a u l t . A l l o f th i s w a s my f a u l t .
    Te a r s w e r e i n my e y e s. C r y i n g w a s s o m eth i n g th at h ad a l w a y s c o me n a tu r al t o m e . I c ou ld n 't k e e p m y s e lf f r o m c r y i ng . I l ooke d at Mo m a n d j u st l e t it a l l c o me at on c e .
    S o ci et y h as a l wa y s t a ug h t th at m en , n o m a tt e r w he re o r w he n , sh o u ld nev e r c r y . I ' v e n o id e a w he n th is th i nk i n g beg a n . G r o wi n g up , my D ad en c o u r a ge d c r y i n g ( no t th e r i gh t t e r m. “ A l l o w e d i t ” ma ybe ? N o t r e ally s u r e ). A n d I did n 't d i sa ppo i nt . A nyth i n g a n d ev e r yth i n g I c r i e d a t . A r o un d th e 7 th g r ad e , I m a n a ge d t o on ly c r y w he n ne c e s s ar y . To da y , I f e lt it w a s ne c es sa r y .
    W h y w as I c r y i ng ? I w as t o r n bet w e e n th e ma n y r e as o n s. Gu i l t . So r r o w. P ai n . De p r es si on . A ng e r . H a p p i ne ss. W ho l enes s, o r l ack th e r e o f. I d id n 't kno w w h i ch it w as. I w as th i nk i n g it w as a l l o f them. A ll of them at once.
    M Y M O TH ER WAS D EA D ! S h e w a sn 't s uppo s e d t o b e bu t sh e w as! W h at h ad g on e w r ong ?! W h y h ad th i s h a ppene d t o m e ?!
    D ad w as ho ldi n g m e .  B ot h o f u s s t a n d i n g the r e , s tunne d .

W hy d i d t h i s h a p pe n ? W h y d i d n 't I ju st a p o l o g i ze, s ay th i s w as a b ad i d e a, a n d l e a v e? Why d i d I a s k h er to lun ch i n the fi rst p l ac e ? M y mi n d s c r e am e d a n d tho u ght s ra ci ng . Th e d o c to r t a ppe d me o n th e sh o u ld e r a n d I j u m pe d. I w a s l o st in tho u gh t a n d did n 't r e al i ze he 'd c o me i nt o t h e r oo m.
    “ Th e r e 's noth i n g e l se we c a n d o . W e ' v e t r i e d e v e r y th i n g pos si b l e . I ' m s o r r y f o r yo u r l os s . ” I c ou ld n 't s e e be ca u se o f th e te a r s. H e tu r n e d t o D ad. “ I f y ou ' l l c o me w i t h m e , y o u can f ill ou t th e ne c es sa r y f o rm s a n d p a p e r w o r k . ” D ad w en t w i t h th e d o c t o r , l e a v i n g me th e r e . I did n 't k n o w w h at t o do. The re sh e w as, d e ad. I wa nte d t o s ay s o m eth i ng . B u t w h at c ou ld I s a y ?
    Mom, I d i d n 't m ean to k il l yo u . It w a s a l l an a cc i de n t, h o n est. It w as n 't on p u r po s e. It was n 't on p u r p ose. I ...i t w a s n 't on p u r pose ... I p r o m i se .. . D ad c a me b ack i n a n d s a i d i t w as t ime t o g o .
    T h e d r i v e ho me w a s s l o w go i n g .  I t w a sn 't a n y l ong e r th an u s u al, bu t it f e lt m u ch l ong e r . D ad a n d I w e r e q u i e t m o st o f th e w a y . We t al ke d f o r a f e w s e c on ds a bo u t w he re we w a nte d t o e a t . I