You Can Date Boys When You're Forty: Dave Barry on Parenting and Other Topics He Knows Very Little About Read Online Free PDF Page A
Author: Dave Barry
fails to obey, you will have to stay up there until help arrives with a ladder.
11.Western riders may use their sidearms to signal distress.
How to Perform Emergency First Aid
1.Making a conscious effort not to whimper, evaluate the overall situation. Is anybody actually hurt? If nobody is, you probably do not need to perform emergency first aid, although for legal reasons it does not hurt to slap on a few tourniquets just in case.
2.If there is a victim, determine whether he or she is conscious by singing a few bars of the Barry Manilow classic “Copacabana.” If the victim is conscious, he or she will try to hit you.
3.Keep the victim calm by administering several brisk facial slaps and shouting, “CALM DOWN, DAMMIT! DO YOU WANT TO DIE??”
4.Very Important: Before attempting any treatment, find out whether the victim has insurance or is planning to pay with cash.
5.Determine what specifically is wrong with the victim by looking for medical symptoms such as paleness (which can indicate hominy), dilated pupils, shortness of breath, a knife handle sticking out of the victim’s eye socket or a major limb such as a leg lying detached more than fifteen feet away from the remainder of the victim.
6.Check for fractures by giving all of the victim’s remaining limbs a hearty yank. The victim will let you know which limb is fractured.
7.Whatever the problWeser the em appears to be, apply direct pressure. Everybody agrees on this.
8.Also remember the “ABC” rule of first aid:
A
B one
C oming out through the skin is very bad.
9.If the victim appears to be woozy or “out of it,” you will need to perform immediate brain surgery. Every second counts, so
do not wait for the paramedics
. Using a sterilized surgical saw or clean sharpish rock, carefully cut around the circumference of the victim’s head just above the ear line and lift it off the top of the skull to expose the brain. When you see what the problem is, apply direct pressure to it.
10.If the victim is feeling bloated, use a six-foot length of bamboo to administer a field enema.
11.To induce vomiting, force the victim to watch an episode of
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
.
12.Often you can lure a tapeworm out of the victim by placing tapeworm treats * on the ground in the vicinity of the victim’s butt, then loudly making statements such as, “We’ll just leave these treats here unguarded!”
13.If the victim is choking, the most likely cause is either something blocking the victim’s airway, or an alien creature about to burst out from the victim’s chest. Whatever you do,
do not let it get into the escape shuttle
.
14.When the ambulance arrives, ask the paramedics if you can operate the siren.
15.Be sure to apply direct pressure.
S o I read
Fifty Shades of Grey
. This is the book written by female British author “E. L. James” that became a huge bestseller, devoured by pretty much every woman on Earth except my wife (or so she claims).
I think I might be the only man who read this book. I did it sneakily, hiding the cover, especially when I was on an airplane, which actually is a good place to read this book because you have access to a barf bag. I say this because of the writing style, which is . . . OK, here’s one tiny sample of the writing style:
“Did you give him our address?”
“No, but stalking is one of his specialties,” I muse matter-of-factly.
Kate’s brow knits further.
That’s right: This is the kind of a book where, instead of saying things, characters muse them, and they are somehow able to muse them
matter-of-factly
. And these matter-of-fact musings cause other characters’ brows—which of course were already knitted—to knit still
further
. The book is over five hundred pages long and the whole thing is written like that. If Jane Austen (another bestselling female British author) came back to life and read this book, she would kill herself.
So why
11.Western riders may use their sidearms to signal distress.
How to Perform Emergency First Aid
1.Making a conscious effort not to whimper, evaluate the overall situation. Is anybody actually hurt? If nobody is, you probably do not need to perform emergency first aid, although for legal reasons it does not hurt to slap on a few tourniquets just in case.
2.If there is a victim, determine whether he or she is conscious by singing a few bars of the Barry Manilow classic “Copacabana.” If the victim is conscious, he or she will try to hit you.
3.Keep the victim calm by administering several brisk facial slaps and shouting, “CALM DOWN, DAMMIT! DO YOU WANT TO DIE??”
4.Very Important: Before attempting any treatment, find out whether the victim has insurance or is planning to pay with cash.
5.Determine what specifically is wrong with the victim by looking for medical symptoms such as paleness (which can indicate hominy), dilated pupils, shortness of breath, a knife handle sticking out of the victim’s eye socket or a major limb such as a leg lying detached more than fifteen feet away from the remainder of the victim.
6.Check for fractures by giving all of the victim’s remaining limbs a hearty yank. The victim will let you know which limb is fractured.
7.Whatever the problWeser the em appears to be, apply direct pressure. Everybody agrees on this.
8.Also remember the “ABC” rule of first aid:
A
B one
C oming out through the skin is very bad.
9.If the victim appears to be woozy or “out of it,” you will need to perform immediate brain surgery. Every second counts, so
do not wait for the paramedics
. Using a sterilized surgical saw or clean sharpish rock, carefully cut around the circumference of the victim’s head just above the ear line and lift it off the top of the skull to expose the brain. When you see what the problem is, apply direct pressure to it.
10.If the victim is feeling bloated, use a six-foot length of bamboo to administer a field enema.
11.To induce vomiting, force the victim to watch an episode of
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
.
12.Often you can lure a tapeworm out of the victim by placing tapeworm treats * on the ground in the vicinity of the victim’s butt, then loudly making statements such as, “We’ll just leave these treats here unguarded!”
13.If the victim is choking, the most likely cause is either something blocking the victim’s airway, or an alien creature about to burst out from the victim’s chest. Whatever you do,
do not let it get into the escape shuttle
.
14.When the ambulance arrives, ask the paramedics if you can operate the siren.
15.Be sure to apply direct pressure.
S o I read
Fifty Shades of Grey
. This is the book written by female British author “E. L. James” that became a huge bestseller, devoured by pretty much every woman on Earth except my wife (or so she claims).
I think I might be the only man who read this book. I did it sneakily, hiding the cover, especially when I was on an airplane, which actually is a good place to read this book because you have access to a barf bag. I say this because of the writing style, which is . . . OK, here’s one tiny sample of the writing style:
“Did you give him our address?”
“No, but stalking is one of his specialties,” I muse matter-of-factly.
Kate’s brow knits further.
That’s right: This is the kind of a book where, instead of saying things, characters muse them, and they are somehow able to muse them
matter-of-factly
. And these matter-of-fact musings cause other characters’ brows—which of course were already knitted—to knit still
further
. The book is over five hundred pages long and the whole thing is written like that. If Jane Austen (another bestselling female British author) came back to life and read this book, she would kill herself.
So why
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