Wishing on a Blue Star Read Online Free PDF Page A

indication that he expected anything from me, wanted me to say it back, or to reciprocate the fantastic blow job.
    “I don’t understand,” I confessed after a while, just assuming he’d know what I was talking about.
    He stroked my face, and the calluses on his fingers caught on the stubble on my cheek. His arm was tucked snugly under his head and his glasses magnified his gorgeous eyes. “Me either. I just know how I feel. I know what I want.”
    “Me?”
    He rolled his eyes. “Crazy. I know. I can’t explain it, either.”
    “Thanks.” But I couldn’t just accept it. “What if I never realized?”
    “Wouldn’t change how I feel. This is just who I am. I can love you. You don’t have to love me back. You’ve never asked me to be someone I’m not, and that’s all that matters, really.” He pushed up onto his elbow so his head rested on his hand.
    “I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone like you. Aren’t you ever afraid of anything?”
    He nodded. He didn’t tell me what he was afraid of, but somehow I didn’t think it mattered. One thing he wasn’t scared of was being, and that was an amazing thing.
    “How do you do it? How do you wake up every day with the possibility the thing you want most might be the thing you can never have and not just want to hold it all in? Stop? Not even try? How the hell did you get me to stop holding my breath?”
    “I didn’t make you do anything.”
    His next kiss took my breath away, but for the first time, I knew I was alive. I knew I was me, and I could do it because he played the violin badly, and loved without worrying what it cost him. It took him six years to teach me how to live, and if he could do that, anything, anything was possible.

Sunday, October 25, 2009
    We knew it wouldn’t last. :)
     
    Third day after the second session. Started out pretty good, and that should have been a warning. lol
    When I went to bed last night, I was disappointed to see how much water I retained from my bouncing around yesterday (Water retention is sort of an immediate indicator of how well or poorly the occluded lymph nodes are functioning.) But much of that can be blamed on simple gravity. and indeed about half was gone by morning. Still good news, at least.
    Crashed and burned late morning, didnt surface until 2pm or so, but that got me enough steam to play in Ethan’s Gay Day chat (Last sunday of the month) and that was fun. Ethan Day has some of the most energetic, involved fans and authors participating in his Yahoo group, I swear! Playing with those folks would wear anyone out!
    Steroids are doing the “eat everything in sight” thing again, but as before, the stomach may say “No more!” even though the brain says I am still very hungry. Learning to listen to the right signals this time, at least.
    That will pretty much be squashed in a day or so. I can already feel my throat, mouth and esophagus being “chewed on” by the chemo. Once that pain starts, I wont be eating much of anything, thank you very much.
    I’m guessing the reaction is so early because things werent exactly healed from the last onslaught. This time, however, I know how to deal with the shit so with luck (and a lot of eggs, blech) I can get a faster response and maybe get caught up.
    Something new tonight. Pain in places I dont expect. I’m really getting to dislike all this new shit, and though Google is my friend (except for its insistence at serving up the most pablum covered “easy to understand language” pages for what I want to find) I’m rather tired of researching, already.
    That means more digging because I’m stubborn and I want to know for myself before I go haring off to call the doctor, or worse yet, going to the emergency ward. (And before I get comments like “See the doc!” I am compelled to point out that I’ve been fairly accurate at diagnosing my own problems, and presenting him with my findings for corroboration or correction. I even staged myself based on the