Wigs on the Green Read Online Free PDF Page A

not a tortoise, shall appear suddenly at their adulterous bedsides, a cup of castor oil in the one hand, a goblet of hemlock in the other, and offer them the choice between ignominy and a Roman death?
    ‘Britons! That day is indeed at hand. There is a new spirit abroad, a new wine that shall not be poured into those ancient bottles. Britons are at last coming to their senses, the British lion is opening his mouth to roar, the attitude of mind which we call Social Unionism is going to save this country from her shameful apathy. Soon your streets will echo ’neath the tread of the Union Jack Battalions, soon the day of jelly-breasted politicians shall be no more, soon we shall all be living in a glorious Britain under the wise, stern, and beneficient rule of Our Captain.’
    ‘Hooray,’ cried Jasper, clapping loudly at this stirring peroration, ‘Hear! hear! splendid!’ The villagers turned and looked at him in amazement. Eugenia gave him a flashing smile.
    ‘Now, Britons,’ she continued, ‘do you wish to ask any questions? If so I will devote ten minutes to answering them.’
    The yokels stood first on one foot and then on the other. Finally one of them removed a straw from his mouth and remarked that they had all enjoyed Miss Eugenia’s speech very much, he was sure, and how was His Lordship’s hay-fever?
    ‘Better, thank you,’ said Eugenia politely, ‘it always goes away in July, you know.’ She looked disappointed. ‘No more questions? In that case I have an announcement to make. Anyone wishing to join our Union Jack Movement can do so by applying to me, either here or at Chalford House. You are asked to pay ninepence a month, the Union Jack shirt costs five shillings, and the little emblem is sixpence. Would any of you care to join up now?’
    The yokels immediately began to fade away. Already they paid two shillings a year to Lady Chalford towards the Conservative funds, and twopence a week for the Nursing Association; they failed, therefore, to see why any more of their hard-earned money should be swallowed up by the Malmains family. Jasper and Noel, on the other hand, snatched at this heaven-sent opportunity to ingratiate themselves with the heiress. They sprang forward and announced in chorus that they were anxious to be recruited. Eugenia’s face lit up with a perfectly radiant smile.
    ‘Oh, good,’ she said, coming down from her tub. She then beganhitching up her skirt, disclosing underneath it a pair of riding breeches, from the pocket of which she produced two recruiting cards and a fountain-pen. ‘You sign here – see? You have to promise that you will obey the Captain in all things and pay ninepence.’
    ‘I promise,’ said Jasper.
    ‘It’s all very well,’ said Noel, ‘I suppose that’s O.K., but look here, who is the Captain? Is he a nice chap? Couldn’t I promise to obey him in most things? He might want me to do something very peculiar, mightn’t he?’
    Eugenia looked at him with lowering brow, fingering her dagger. ‘You had better be careful,’ she said gloomily. ‘That is no way to speak of the Captain.’
    ‘I’m awfully sorry,’ said Noel, nervously eyeing the weapon. ‘I’ll never do it again. Right then, here’s my ninepence.’
    ‘Lend me a bob, old boy,’ said Jasper.
    ‘Sorry, old boy,’ said Noel.
    ‘Don’t be a cad, you swine,’ said Jasper, kicking him gently on the shin.
    ‘Here, don’t kick me,’ said Noel.
    Eugenia looked from one to the other. Her sympathies were clearly with Jasper. ‘Are you perhaps unemployed?’ she asked him, ‘because if you are it’s only fourpence.’
    ‘Am I unemployed? Is unemployed my middle name? Lend me fourpence, old boy.’
    ‘Sorry, old boy.’
    ‘I will lend you fourpence,’ said Eugenia suddenly, ‘but you will have to pay me back soon, because what I really came down for this afternoon was to buy two twopenny bars at the village shop.’
    ‘Bars of what?’
    ‘Chocolate, of course.’
    On hearing