Why the Sky Is Blue Read Online Free PDF

before that I suddenly wished I had told Dan about.
    “You want to keep this baby?” he asked, and I could sense the apprehension in his voice.
    I knew that scenario was impossible. I knew the best thing for this baby was for it to be placed into a home with two parents who desperately wanted it. I knew this child, like any child, deserved the love of both a mother and a father. This child would not be like Katie and Spence, not to Dan. And really not to me either. I knew what was best. But knowing it wasn’t a comfort to me.
    “From the moment this ordeal began, it hasn’t been about what I want,” I said, as tears began to roll down my cheeks. “You ask me if I want to keep this baby. I know I can’t. Should we give it up for adoption? I know we should. But it’s not about what I want, Dan. It will never be about what I want.”
    He slipped off the bench on his side of the table and came to mine, scooting in beside me.
    We were quiet for several minutes as I gathered my composure and stemmed the flow of tears.
    “God, I wish this had never happened,” he said. And it really was a prayer.
    “What are we going to tell the kids?” I moaned.
    “We’ll find a way,” he whispered.
     
    *
     
    We stayed at our special place for a little while longer and then got back into the van for the ride back to the house. The kids would be coming home from school in less than an hour. They were expecting me to be there. Both Dan and I wanted to get home before they did.
    On the way, I asked Dan if we could hold off telling anyone for a while. I think he was thinking the same thing. Both of us were supposing that in a few months’ time, there would be no troubling news to break to the kids. I dreaded the thought of another miscarriage, though I felt it would be best. I think Dan, on the other hand, was anticipating it, though he would not admit it.
    I also told Dan on the way home that I was going to ask the school board for an extended leave of absence. A long-term substitute was already handling all my classes anyway, so I was certain that wouldn’t be a problem. He agreed that was a good idea.
    Dan didn’t ask me why I didn’t make another appointment nor did he ask if I wanted to stop and fill my prescription for the prenatal vitamins. To borrow from Patty’s vocabulary, I think he was the one in a state of denial. And I actually didn’t mind. I didn’t want to validate this doomed pregnancy with vitamins and doctor visits. I wanted the next few months to pass quietly, without anyone knowing a thing.
    The morning sickness would last another month and then go away. After that I would feel fine until the fourth or fifth month. Then I would notice drops of blood on the bed sheets or my underwear. I would call Dan. We would go to the hospital. My lowlying placenta would be expelled first, followed by a tiny body. I would cry. Dan would hold me.
    Then it would be over.
    I wasn’t afraid.

 
    6
     
    Dan and I made it home just minutes before Katie and Spencer. Becky, a true friend, simply dropped the kids off like she usually did. I knew she would call me later when the kids were in bed. Spencer’s “Dad! You’re here!” was in stark contrast to Katie’s “Dad, how come you’re home?” I think they had both been relieved when Dan went back to work the week before, the unmarked blue car across the street disappeared, and our home life took on a familiar shade of normalcy. They weren’t expecting Dan to be home at three fifteen that day, and yet there he was. Dan stole a glance at me sitting at the dining-room table with the day’s mail and thought up a quick half-truth.
    “I just thought I’d spend the afternoon with you guys today,” he said.
    “Too many cats in a bad mood?” Spencer said with a laugh—his and Dan’s private reason for anytime Dan was home early from the vet clinic.
    “That’s right.” Dan ruffled Spencer’s sandy blond hair as he headed into the kitchen with him. Snack time.
    Katie