Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada Read Online Free PDF Page A

cheering?

    ADA:
    Fancy. (SMILES) Men cheering at me. (SHE GETS UP)

    CISSIE:
    Where are you going?

    ADA:
    For another donkey ride.

    CISSIE:
    Oh no you are not lady, sit down!

    ADA:
    Well perhaps I better hadn't, because I'm trying to forget all about Bert and donkey's always remind me of him.

    CISSIE:
    They remind you of Bert?

    ADA:
    When he's going to work.

    CISSIE:
    Oh, you mean the slow reluctant plod with the head hanging down.

    ADA:
    No I mean he walks for fifty yards then turns back.

    CISSIE:
    Incidentally, how will he manage on his own, your Bert? I mean he can't cook can he.

    ADA:
    The world’s worst. He could burn water. So I've left him a big pan of ash with two big tins of Fray Bentos corned beef in it. He'll eat that. Well he will once he realises there's nothing else for him. And if he doesn't like it he can lump it. Or he can eat some of the vegetables he's growing in the back garden.

    CISSIE:
    I didn't realise Bert had started growing vegetables?

    ADA:
    Oh yes, he's grown some lovely tomatoes.

    CISSIE:
    Does he have growbags?

    ADA:
    Only since his hernia. Well you need something roomy when you're wearing a truss.

    CISSIE:
    There's one thing for certain, my Leonard will be well catered for while he's on his own.

    ADA:
    Oh?

    CISSIE:
    No matter what his gastronomic desires, we have it in the freezer.

    ADA:
    Well whatever turns you on, but don't the baskets leave marks on your bottom?

    CISSIE:
    Ada you really are coarse. You've got a mind like a cess-pool, you really have.

    ADA:
    Well I can't help it if you're narrow-minded.

    CISSIE:
    Me? Narrow-minded?

    ADA:
    Well you are. You always have been, you've put up with chicken drumsticks for years because you don't like asking for breast. You've always been the same, ever since.....(SHE SEES SOMETHING IN THE DISTANCE)...ooooh!

    CISSIE:
    What's the matter?

    ADA:
    (POINTS) That girl there! Naked as the day she was born. Look at her prancing about, the young hussy!

    CISSIE:
    Now who's being narrow-minded.

    ADA:
    Well there's a time and a place for everything.

    CISSIE:
    But this is the time and the place Ada, they allow nude sunbathing on this beach, didn't you know?

    ADA:
    Never!

    CISSIE:
    Oh yes, they're quite permissive here now. Two years ago you had to wear a bikini at the very least. Last year you could go topless. And this year you're allowed to be totally naked.

    ADA GETS UP AND STARTS PACKING UP.

    CISSIE:
    What are you doing?

    ADA:
    I'm clearing off before they make it compulsory.

    ***************

    AWAY DAY

    A RAILWAY CARRIAGE. CISSIE IS SEATED, READING A WOMENS’ MAGAZINE. ADA COMES DOWN THE GANGWAY CARRYING PACKETS OF SANDWICHES AND CARTONS OF COFFEE. SHE SITS DOWN NEXT TO CISSIE.

    CISSIE:
    You took your time, what kept you?

    ADA:
    I bumped into May Scattergood and her fancy man.

    CISSIE:
    Yes well that one's only as good as she should be.

    ADA:
    Just.

    CISSIE:
    So they're on an away day to London too, are they?

    ADA:
    More like an have it away day if I know her. The brazen hussy.

    CISSIE:
    Yes, and her husband dead for less than a month.

    ADA: I went to the funeral. She couldn't get him in the ground fast enough. It's the first time I've ever seen a coffin arrive in an E-type Jaguar. (HANDS CISSIE A PACKET OF SANDWICHES) Here you are, there was a queue at the buffet and they'd nearly run out of everything so I couldn't get you what you asked for.

    CISSIE:
    Did you take pot luck?

    ADA:
    No it was engaged, there was a queue for that as well.

    CISSIE:
    And they say this is the age of the train.

    ADA:
    This one must be about ninety three.

    CISSIE:
    That Jimmy Savile has a lot to answer for, hasn't he. What's that thing he said on that TV commercial - 'Let the train take the strain'?

    ADA:
    It's not the only thing that's taking the strain, these new corsets I got from Madame Hetty's are killing me. I think I'll take them off in the superloo before we go to the theatre.

    CISSIE:
    Ah, the theatre! I'm really looking