When I'm Gone: A Novel Read Online Free PDF Page A

Annie. The bathroom door slammed.
    “She’s not in there,” May shouted from the hall. “Maybe she’s upstairs. Come on, Annie, let’s find her.”
    Luke met the pair at the foot of the stairs. “What was that scream about, May? Are you okay?”
    “Yes, Daddy. I was screaming because I’m so happy.” She wagged her hands at her sides like a girl waiting to see a boy band.
    “You almost gave me a heart attack.” Luke crouched down to look his daughter straight in her deep blue eyes. “What made you so happy?”
    May shifted back and forth on her bare feet, wrapping a damp strand of hair around her finger. She leaned in and whispered, “She’s back.”
    Luke glanced up at Annie, whose face was a flat stone, unreadable. “Who’s back, baby?”
    “Mommy.”
    Luke clamped a hand over his mouth, his stubble scratching his palm, tears collecting in his lower lids. “Mommy is dead, baby. She’s not coming back.” He tucked the wild wet hair behind her ear, tracing the soft curve of her cheek.
    “Where did my smiley-face pancake come from?” She took a step back, bumping into Annie’s long legs. “Only Mommy makes them like that. I know it was her. I know it.”
    “It was me, honey. Mommy told me you like them that way. I thought it would make you happy. I’m so sorry.” Luke reached out to pull May into his arms, to cuddle her, nuzzle her cheek, and make everything okay like he did when she was learning to walk and bumped her head or when she fell off her bike and skinned her knee. But May wasn’t two anymore, and this wasn’t a flesh wound. She pushed him away, shaking her head.
    “No, no. It has to be her. She wouldn’t leave me. She loves me. She said she’d see me again.”
    “She meant in heaven, May,” Will’s jaded voice called from the kitchen. “She meant she’d see you in heaven.” He walked into the front hall carrying a sticky Clayton, syrup in his curly blond mop. “And Dad doesn’t believe in heaven, so you’re wasting your time.”
    “You think she’s gone forever?” May glared at her father. “Oh, Daddy, no. How could you?” She looked at her father like she’d found out he was a murderer. Her face crumpled, and she ran up the stairs, leaving Luke stunned, still kneeling on the floor.
    “I’ll go talk to her.” Annie wiped at her face and followed May up the stairs. Maybe she’d know the right thing to say. Luke put his hand in his robe pocket and rubbed the smooth envelopes between his fingers.
    “Don’t worry.” Will stomped past. “I’ll get Clayton out of these sticky clothes.”
    As Will ascended the stairs, Luke thought he should stand and take Clayton himself, give Will a fatherly lecture about family and bucking up and how losing your mother is hard enough without pushing your family away too. Or at least say something , but he didn’t.
    Instead, he shifted on the bottom step, dropping his head into his hands. How did he think he could do this alone? Couldn’t they go back one year, start over, find a way to save Natalie, because this wasn’t how things were supposed to turn out?
    Annie came silently down the stairs and flopped down next to him.
    “She’s going to take a bath. I told her I’d ask if it was okay.”
    Luke didn’t look up, hoping she’d take his silence as permission and return to give May the news. But she didn’t leave. Without saying a word, her hand found its way on the broad space between his shoulder blades, where she rubbed large circles on his back and let the companionable silence cover them like a blanket.
    Luke’s muscles unclenched, and the relief brought the tears he’d been avoiding all day. A deep sob forced its way out and through his fingers, coming out so fast and hard it almost hurt. When he tried to take a breath, it hitched in his throat, making a series of staccato gasps. Why did it have to hurt so badly? He’d had months—months of anticipation. He should’ve been ready. He should’ve been