When I'm Gone: A Novel Read Online Free PDF Page B

work’s always been an outlet for you; the numbers and simulators, that’s your haven. At work they understand how your mind works in a way I sometimes struggled with. I’m hoping when immersed in your work you can get a respite from all the reminders of me haunting our house. So, when you’re done reading this, go pick out your clothes for tomorrow, but don’t forget me completely. Here’s an idea: you should wear something blue—for me.
    And as long as I’m being bossy, let’s get those kids back to school. During this whole cancer drama, I’ve noticed routine is the antidote for this chaos in our lives. Breakfast together, making those lame-ass lunches every day, homework, piano lesson, baseball practice, dinner, bed. Those routines hold our kids up during the week now, and they will for you. It’s the quiet times I fear, when those dark thoughts of leaving you creep in and I can’t sleep at night. Perhaps keeping busy with work and school can save you from sleepless nights too.
    So you know I’m not all talk and no action, I’m starting school today at good old Eastern Michigan University. Since Doc said I couldn’t be around my first graders till the chemo is over, I need something to keep my brain working. Only two more classes to complete my MEd. Wouldn’t it be awesome if I could kick cancer’s butt and graduate school’s butt at the same time? This time I’m walking the stage, even if I have to sew a wig into my hat. Remind me not to throw it at the end. Though that might be hilarious.
    Have a great day at work tomorrow! I love you.
    Love,
    Natalie
     
    Luke carefully refolded the letter, following Natalie’s lines, picturing her carefully pressing in each crease. He held it in front of him. The last thing he wanted to do was leave his house and talk to people. Even in his world of computers and numbers, there were people there. Unavoidable, occasionally annoying, people.

    She’s dead. She won’t know. She can’t. He’d been telling himself the same thing for the past twenty-four hours, but it hadn’t worked. Tugging up the knot on his light-blue tie, Luke pushed off his bed, fully dressed. Clayton played quietly in his bedroom, which was refreshing after two weeks of nonstop zombie TV state. Luke poked his head around the doorjamb into Clayton’s little-boy room.
    “It’s time to go to Miss Annie’s house. Let’s get your shoes on.”
    “Miss Annie?” He shot up like a missile, a pirate action figure clenched in each fist. “Can I bring my toys?”
    “You can bring two,” Luke said, spreading two fingers out in front of him to illustrate. Clayton scanned the room looking like Luke had asked whom he’d save first in a house fire.
    Ten minutes and four toys later, Luke had successfully packed Clayton and his things up in the car. At least May and Will had grabbed the bus twenty minutes earlier and were probably already at school. They’d gone back the Monday after the funeral. “Luckily” Natalie had passed away over winter break, or at least that’s what at least half the out-of-state relatives kept saying. “How nice the kids don’t have to miss any school.” Luke had to work really hard to bite his tongue.
    As he pulled out of the driveway into the street, with his workbag on the seat beside him, he looked back at the house. It was covered in snow, only a few slivers of green showing through the patches of white on the ground. The last time he did this was over a month ago, Natalie still inside watching him leave from her bed in the front room.
    He shook his head. It must be surreal for May and Will. They left school three weeks ago with a terminally ill mother, and returned with a dead one. May said the first day back had gone well. The kids were a little distant, the teachers a little too clingy. Will was less helpful with information. When Luke asked how his day was, Will grumbled, “Fine.” He’d have to ask Annie to text him later to make sure he was okay.
    Luke