Vein Fire Read Online Free PDF Page A

was invisible.
    The experience cut Hannah—literally. She waned between blaming herself and thinking she was ugly—never settling on which feeling made her more miserable. These cuts would become the deepest ones on her arms. By this time, she had learned how to cut herself properly. She’d take a disposable razor, hold it in a towel and snap the plastic apart, and bend the razor blades until they were free of the plastic. Often she had done this without the towel, but it led to cuts on her fingertips. Although she rather enjoyed the accidental cuts and she’d smile from the thought that she ‘deserved’ them, she knew purposeful cuts were better. She’d sit cross-legged on the bathroom floor—head down, with her hair falling like curtains on the sides of her face. Her tears buckled under their own viscosity, concaving the view of her task as they perched on her eyelashes. One blink and her vision cleared. It was a splitting of cells, out of necessity, really. She hated herself, and the guilt was overwhelming. This wasn’t want. It was need.
    If she could brand this sort of euphoria, she’d be wealthy. The necessity of it would fill voids like plaster in wall-holes. Bottles of it would hover in the corner of every medicine cabinet, next to the other band-aids and aspirins. The satisfaction of a job well-done meant blood, burning cuts, and itchy scabs. They were nice to look at later on, but for her pleasure and no one else’s. The cuts on her arms meant long sleeves; the scars on her legs meant long pants—Hannah’s body lived in an eternal winter.
    Hannah begged her parents to allow her to transfer to another school, but they thought she was over-reacting. She, after all, had one friend who showed up to her birthday parties—Angela. Hannah made an attempt to get close to the odd girl with dirt under her fingernails. Angela’s pale skin was dotted with black moles that matched her coal-colored hair. This distracted Hannah from maintaining eye contact with her, so Angela often snarked, “Are you listening to me?”
    In an effort to bond with Angela, Hannah invited her to hang out at the mall. After her mom dropped them off, Hannah drug Angela into a dressing room inside one of the anchor stores. She pulled out two plastic soda bottles, now filled with vodka and orange juice, and gave one to Angela as she chugged the other. Angela took one sip and handed the bottle back, so Hannah drank them both.
    Hannah liked the mall. Kids from different schools hung out there and she felt like she had a chance to pretend she was normal. Angela whined she was hungry and wanted to go to Foxmoor to look at clothes, but Hannah took her to the arcade. That was where the boys were.
    Angela refused to play anything besides Frogger and Pac Man. Hannah despised that it made them look like kids. They were, after all, nearly sixteen.
    The employees walked around with clips of quarters on their belts and aprons stuffed with paper bills customers had exchanged for quarters. One Hannah had never seen before kept approaching the girls and commenting on their game.
    “He’s kinda cute,” Hannah said.
    “Eww…no way! He’s old. He must be thirty or something,” Angela squealed.
    “I like older men.” Hannah turned and smiled at the guy. Within a few minutes, he was behind her, looking over her shoulder at their game.
    “You girls need some help?” he asked.
    Hannah arched her ass back until it rubbed against his cock. “I always need help,” she giggled. “Hey! Do you guys have a bathroom in here?”
    “Nope, employees only.”
    “Aww…c’mon…I won’t tell and I’ll be so fast,” she begged. Hannah didn’t even try to hide that she was drunk. She swayed from side to side and her eyes kept going out of focus.
    “Okay, I’ll take you,” the guy said.
    Hannah smiled as he led her through the maze of machines towards the back. As they passed another employee, he motioned towards the rear door and yelled, “Hey, cover