Until There Was You Read Online Free PDF

and happy.
    "Why are you awake, pumpkin? It's still pretty early—I was expecting you to be fast asleep." Nate tried to imbue his voice with the kind of manic energy that belonged to children's television presenter. He tried to exude happiness and lightness and to hide his tear-ravaged face.
    "Oh. Because Papa woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep."
    The word 'papa' felt like a knife stabbing Nate in the back. He struggled to keep his tone light. "Oh, that's nice. Did you two talk about anything interesting?"
    "Papa is so strange," Bailey said, yawning, rubbing his eyes and closing his book.
    "Why is that?"
    "He woke me up, and he said that he loved me and was happy he met me and that he thought I was the best boy in all my school." Bailey shrugged this off and gave one of his old-people-are-crazy faces.
    Nate wanted to sit on the floor and cover his head so that he could be in silence and darkness. His heart hurt for all of the things that Bailey didn't know. Bailey didn't know that he might have had his last conversation with his father. Nate knew that in the future Bailey would relive this day over and over again, searching his memory for clues that explained the whole mess. Nate knew that if he couldn't get Joshua to see sense, then this day would be forever marked in history as the day that everything changed.
    "Well, he just loves you and he wants you to know about it." Nate could feel his willpower, the strength that was keeping him upright, fading away. He didn't want to lie to Bailey—but he knew that he couldn't possibly tell the truth yet. The truth would make him fall apart, and he didn't want Bailey to see that. Nate closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.
    "I want to wear my frog sweater," Bailey exclaimed, obviously losing patience with the conversation.
    "You wore your frog sweater yesterday," Nate sighed.
    "So?" Bailey asked.
    "So you have all of these cool clothes and you need to wear them all, otherwise they will be sad," Nate said. He tried to keep his tone primary-school-teacher friendly despite the mounting feeling of panic and guilt inside of him.
    "I don't care. I like my frog sweater." Bailey's voice took on a defiant tone as he balled his little fists together and scrunched his face in scorn.
    "But what about your nice blue T-shirt and cardigan?"
    "I want to wear my frog sweater; Papa would let me wear it!"
    "Papa is not here! So you have to do what I say, because I am your daddy and Papa is not here!" Nate heard himself yelling, saw himself from above as if he was watching a character on a stage. He could hear a voice in his head judging him, disapproving of the sharp words that rolled out of his mouth like bile.
    Bailey looked stunned. Nate watched his face, the face he got from Joshua, strong and aware and somehow more connected to world around him than most people. It was a regal face. But now, Bailey was open-mouthed with shock and a little fear. Nate had never really shouted like that before, or at least he hadn't in a very long time, and he could see Bailey's worry curve itself around his little body. Nate wished that he could take the last few seconds back and morph into the parent that cooked and played and read stories rather than screaming.
    Nate rushed to Bailey's bedside and scooped him up, cradling him to his chest, snot and tears mingling on the flannel of his shirt. Nate kissed the top of Bailey's head and rocked him backwards and forwards, making gentle shushing sounds.
    "Daddy, why did you shout at me?" Bailey asked, his words obscured by his quiet sobbing and Nate's shirt, which he had begun to suck on. Nate wiped tears from Bailey's huge eyes and continued to stroke his hair soothingly.
    "Because I'm a stupid man and I'm having a stupid day and I just had a bad second. It wasn't your fault. But everything is fine." Nate pulled himself together. Having Bailey next to him gave him a little perspective. Bailey was bigger than his fear and heartache; he needed Nate to get his act