Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Presents Flush Fiction Read Online Free PDF Page A

a broad walk, revved the engine, and roared off the lot.
    Well, easy come, easy go, I always say. Motorcycle drivers are probably not the type to enjoy a peaceful cabin on the lake. And that old geezer probably didn’t have a pot to pee in anyhow.

Prince Charming
    Christina Delia
    W hen it happened, the headlines were always some variation of this: “CHIMP CHANGE: ORGAN GRINDER SELLS MONKEY TO APE-LOVING ACTRESS.” The story that followed would tell the tale of an organ grinder named Liborio (no last name) who was on set for the new film Passion People 2: More People, More Passion . His purpose was providing old-world charm for the movie’s big Italian love scene.
    When lead actress Spring Star (formerly of the television series Bug Bites ) saw the monkey Liborio carried around on his back, she fell in love before the director could yell “Action!” Spring Star begged Liborio to sell his pet to her. At which point the old man’s eyes misted over and he said, “There’s something in my eye.”
    Liborio knew something that the paparazzi did not. The monkey was radioactive.
    Spring Star knew this, too. She was seated in her trailer when Liborio told her. Spring Star did not blink or rip up the check she was writing. Instead, she told Liborio that she felt the radioactivity made her new monkey quite exotic. The monkey was shiny, like her television awards that sat at home in her mansion on hundred-dollar shelves. Liborio just smiled and took the check that Spring Star handed to him. There were glittery dolphins embossed on the check. “I wish that all animals sparkled, don’t you?” Spring Star asked Liborio.
    “The outer sparkle of an animal is merely an indication of a creature’s inner fire,” Liborio said.
    Spring Star stared at the old organ grinder. “You should writefortune cookies,” she told him.
    “Just never force the monkey to do anything he doesn’t want to do. With a pet like this, you are as much owned as you are an owner. Remember that in his own way, every creature is a king.”
    “He’s too little to be a king,” cooed Spring Star. “Maybe he could be a Prince?”
    On the ride home to Beverly Hills, Spring Star named her monkey: Prince Charming.
    “You’re my Prince, yes you are!” she repeated. Prince Charming did not seem to mind this attention.
    In fact, he grew a bit larger. Spring Star took no notice of this. She was too busy giggling while her limo driver eyed the monkey nervously from his rear-view mirror.
    “Look, Rex, now we don’t need a lamp to read scripts” Spring Star sang out when she presented Prince Charming to her live-in boyfriend. Rex Riley was a Method actor, currently preparing for his upcoming role as a germ-phobic Elvis impersonator at a Las Vegas wedding chapel for the romantic comedy Wash Your Hand in Marriage . When Spring Star leaned in to kiss him hello, Rex took two steps back and gagged.
    “Oh, I forgot. You’re in character,” Spring Star said. “I’ll just give your kiss to Prince Charming.” Spring Star puckered up and kissed her Prince with her surgically enhanced lips.
    The impact of her lips on his face seemed to make Prince Charming grow a little bigger. Again, Spring Star seemed oblivious, but Rex screamed.
    “Did you just see that, Spring? That glowing monkey grew!”
    “He’s only getting bigger because I love him so. And there’s nothing wrong with a monkey that glows. I wish I radiated like that first thing in the morning. Even after three hours of makeup—”
    “Spring, really,” Rex whined. “We can’t keep a monkey in themansion! I don’t even know what to feed it!”
    “He’ll eat what the movie stars eat. Bananas and caviar,” Spring Star smiled. “You have so many bananas around, with this new role of yours.”
    Rex struck a pose in his karate suit. “Hello, I’m a Method actor! Elvis ate fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches on a regular basis!”
    “Nothing is too good for my Prince Charming,” Spring Star