Truly Tasteless Jokes Two Read Online Free PDF Page B

silence.
    “Well, how about the left one?” asks the tattooist. “Is that or is that not the spitting image of Paul McCartney?”
    “I dunno,” says the wino after considerable thought. “But that guy in the middle with the beard and the bad breath, that’s gotta be Willie Nelson.”
    *
    What’s the only thing used sanitary napkins are good for?
Tea bags for vampires.
    *
    Why does it take women longer to climax?
Who cares?
    *
    How can you tell if a Polish woman is having her period?
She’s only wearing one sock.
    *
    What’s the latest disease in Poland?
Toxic Sock Syndrome!
    *
    Three guys were sitting around in a bar discussing whose wife was the most frigid. Harry was definitely sure he had the worst of it. “Listen, you guys,” he said, “my wife comes to bed with an ice cube in each hand, and in the morning they haven’t begun to melt.”
    “That’s nothing,” said Phil. “My wife likes to have a glass of water on the bedside table, but by the time she’s carried it from the bathroom to the bedroom, it’s frozen solid.”
    “Aw, hell,” said Herb, “my wife is so frigid that when she spreads her legs, the furnace kicks on.”
    *
    What’s the difference between a magician and a chorus line?
A magician has cunning feats and stunts.
    *
    God has just spent six days creating the heavens and the earth, and since it’s the seventh day of rest, He and Gabriel are sitting back and admiring His handiwork.
    “You know, God,” says Gabriel, “you have done one hell of a job—excuse my language. Those snowy peaks are unbelievably majestic, and the woods, with those little sunny dells and meadows . . . masterful. Not to mention the oceans: those fantastic coral reefs and all the sea creatures and the waves crashing on the beaches. And all the animals—from fleas to elephants—what a job. Not to mention the heavens; how could I leave them out? What a touch, that Milky Way.”
    God beams.
    “I just have the smallest suggestion, if you’ll excuse my presumption,” says Gabriel. “You know those sample humans you put down there in the Garden of Eden?”
    God nods, a frown furrowing His brow.
    “Well,” says Gabriel, “I was just wondering whether, for all the obvious reasons, they shouldn’t have differing sets of genitalia as all the other animals do?”
    God reflects on this for a minute, and then a smile crosses His face. “You’re right,” He exclaims. “Give the dumb one a cunt!”
    *
    When you order a Bloody Mary, how can you tell if the waitress is mad at you?
She leaves the string in.
    *
    Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
    *
    Mrs. Smith was quite embarrassed when little Johnny burst into the shower, pointed at her pubic hair, and asked loudly, “What’s that, Mommy?”
    “That’s my sponge, honey,” she explained.
    She was even more embarrassed when Johnny burst in a week later, because, to satisfy one of Mr. Smith’s kinkier requests, she had shaved herself. In answer to Johnny’s question, she hastily explained that she had lost her sponge. “It got dirty, honey, and I threw it out the window.”
    Johnny was gone for a couple of hours, but came back with a big grin on his face. “I found your sponge, Mommy,” he cried. “I looked in the Browns’ window, and Mrs. Brown was washing Mr. Brown’s face with it!”
    *
    There was great excitement in the laboratory when the eminent scientist announced a new invention—the apple. That was nothing new, his colleagues pointed out; the apple had been around for a long time.
    “Yes, but this apple tastes like pussy,” proudly explained the scientist. “Try it.”
    A skeptical fellow took a big bite, only to spit it out all over the floor. “It tastes like shit,” he said disgustedly.
    “Indeed,” said the scientist. “Turn it around.”
    *
    What’s the function of a woman?
Life-support system for a pussy.
    *
    What do you call a truckload of