Truly Tasteless Jokes One Read Online Free PDF Page A

him anxiously. “Son,” he said, “I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you were in a very serious accident, and I'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle.”
    “Jesus,” gasped the patient. “What's the good news?”
    “The fellow in the next bed over would like to buy your boots.”
    *
    What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
“Hop in!”
    *
    A blind man and his friend were walking along with the blind man's dog, when the dog simply raised its leg and pissed on the blind man's shoe. To his friend's astonishment, the man reached over and proceeded to stroke the dog's back.
    “What the hell are you patting him for?” exclaimed his friend. “The dog just pissed on you!”
    “I gotta find out where his head is,” said the blind man testily, “so I can kick his ass.”
    *
    What do you get when a epileptic falls into a lettuce patch?
Seizure salad.

Jokes for the Blind
     

Religion
     

    What was the Pope's first miracle?
He made a lame man blind.
    *
    What was the Pope's second miracle?
He walked under water.
    *
    What was the Pope's third miracle?
He cured a ham.
    *
    Did you hear about the Pope's plan to redecorate the Sistine Chapel?
. . . . in knotty pine?
    *
    You know why the Pope didn't want to accept the position?
It meant moving into an Italian neighborhood.
    *
    What kind of meat does the Pope eat?
Nun.
    *
    A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were having a discussion as to how they divided up the collection plate. The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air, and that all the money that landed in the circle was for God and all that landed outside was for himself and the parish. The priest said that his system was similar: he just drew a straight line, tossed the money up, and that what landed on one side was for God and on the other for himself and the church. The rabbi admitted that his system worked along somewhat the same lines. “I just toss the plate up in the air,” he explained, “and anything God can catch he can keep.”
    *
    Christ is on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary Magdalene when he hears in a faint voice, “Peter . . . Peter . . . ”
    “I must go and help my Savior,” he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, “Peter . . . Peter” in even fainter tones, and he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and is halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beat him brutally, and toss him back down the hill.
    Again he hears, “Peter . . . Peter . . . ” ever fainter, and he cannot sit idle. He staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Christ says, “Peter . . . Peter . . . I can see your house from here.”
    *
    A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. “God,” he prayed, “I really want a car.” Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
    “God,” he prayed again, “I really need a car.” Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.
    “Okay, God,” he said, getting down onto his knees again, “if you ever want to see your mother again . . .”
    *
    Why does the Pope wear gym shorts?
He doesn't want to look down on the unemployed.
    *
    Two nuns were taking a stroll through the park at dusk when two men jumped them, ripped off their habits, and proceeded to rape them.
    Sister Gregory, bruised and battered, looked up at the sky and said softly, “Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does.”
    Sister Theresa looked