The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did Read Online Free PDF Page A
Author: Don Stewart
idle? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!
Although the last line was rich in hyperbole and lacked sincerity, Patrick's speech was well received by both the slave lords of the South and the carpetbaggers-to-be of the North, leading to an Al Davis — like, “Just Win, Baby” mentality that proved to unite and inspire those ready to resist the British. Henry's most famous demand became a rallying cry of sorts for colonists to throw off the British rule and to, of course, demand their freedom.
1775 P AUL R EVERE'S M IDNIGHT R IDE
Let's have some porridge tomorrow morn. Shall I post thee or nudge thee?
Long Time
Paul Revere was a half-French colonist who at the time of his midnight run needed to get laid. He was in the midst of an all-time slump that he couldn't seem to break out of. No amount of clever pickup lines, begging, or alcohol seemed to get a woman of any race or attractiveness to open her pearly gates to him. He was at the receiving end of many jokes, mostly comparing him to a sexual camel that had a drink a long time ago and was now going through an obnoxiously long stretch without any action.WITHIN PAUL'S HOMETOWN HE WAS QUICKLY ACHIEVING THE UNWANTED REPUTATION OF BEING A TAD DESPERATE, AND EVEN THE STOUTEST OF COLONIAL LADIES WERE TURNING HIM DOWN ON A REGULAR BASIS.
When Paul was asked to help the colonists cause by taking a midnight ride to warn of the impending British arrival, he was at first annoyed. He felt the main reason for the invitation was not his patriotism, bravery, or even his riding prowess; it was simply because everyone knew his late night calendar was painfully available. But as Paul began to sulk, he had the realization that going door to door warning of the British movement could actually prove to be a good way to meet ladies and end his own sexual problem of being “frequency-challenged,” as he called it. He reasoned he could use the opportunity to fish with a much wider net and see who jumped in.
Slow Ride
The famous nighttime horse ride occurred over April 18 and 19 of 1775.
Paul and a desperate but not as desperate fellow jockey, William Dawes, were instructed to warn John Hancock and Samuel Adams of the coming British troops. The nearly born again virgin duo took different routes to protect against both of them being captured at the same time. As they went through each town, they took the opportunity to knock on doors, asking to meet the lady of the house along with “Mind if I come in?”
Revere is known today for his midnight ride to warn citizens that the “British are coming!” All the confusion started when a poet named Longfellow immortalized Revere's ride in a poem. With a name like Longfellow, he was too busy shagging hippie chicks to fact-check. Historians continue to overlook that the real reason for the quest was to get laid. Thankfully at the next to last house Paul finally got invited in and four minutes later the quick triggered Revere changed his shouts from “the British are coming” to a more adult themed “Paul Revere is cumming! Paul Revere is cumming!”
A team of Cornell history majors have traced Paul Revere's sexual frequency issues back to his attempts to win female favor through his use of the following lame pick up lines.
Let's have some porridge tomorrow morn. Shall I post thee or nudge thee?
My love for you is like diarrhea; I simply cannot hold it in!
Do you care for a raisin? How about a date?
If I planted a garden, may I place our tulips together?
1775–1783 T HE R EVOLUTIONARY W AR
The Teapot Boiled Over
Colonist Uprising
Colonists in the New World of America had become tired of the meddling and micromanagement of their affairs from the motherland of Great Britain. In 1775 the teapot boiled over, and enraged revolutionists stood up to the parent
Although the last line was rich in hyperbole and lacked sincerity, Patrick's speech was well received by both the slave lords of the South and the carpetbaggers-to-be of the North, leading to an Al Davis — like, “Just Win, Baby” mentality that proved to unite and inspire those ready to resist the British. Henry's most famous demand became a rallying cry of sorts for colonists to throw off the British rule and to, of course, demand their freedom.
1775 P AUL R EVERE'S M IDNIGHT R IDE
Let's have some porridge tomorrow morn. Shall I post thee or nudge thee?
Long Time
Paul Revere was a half-French colonist who at the time of his midnight run needed to get laid. He was in the midst of an all-time slump that he couldn't seem to break out of. No amount of clever pickup lines, begging, or alcohol seemed to get a woman of any race or attractiveness to open her pearly gates to him. He was at the receiving end of many jokes, mostly comparing him to a sexual camel that had a drink a long time ago and was now going through an obnoxiously long stretch without any action.WITHIN PAUL'S HOMETOWN HE WAS QUICKLY ACHIEVING THE UNWANTED REPUTATION OF BEING A TAD DESPERATE, AND EVEN THE STOUTEST OF COLONIAL LADIES WERE TURNING HIM DOWN ON A REGULAR BASIS.
When Paul was asked to help the colonists cause by taking a midnight ride to warn of the impending British arrival, he was at first annoyed. He felt the main reason for the invitation was not his patriotism, bravery, or even his riding prowess; it was simply because everyone knew his late night calendar was painfully available. But as Paul began to sulk, he had the realization that going door to door warning of the British movement could actually prove to be a good way to meet ladies and end his own sexual problem of being “frequency-challenged,” as he called it. He reasoned he could use the opportunity to fish with a much wider net and see who jumped in.
Slow Ride
The famous nighttime horse ride occurred over April 18 and 19 of 1775.
Paul and a desperate but not as desperate fellow jockey, William Dawes, were instructed to warn John Hancock and Samuel Adams of the coming British troops. The nearly born again virgin duo took different routes to protect against both of them being captured at the same time. As they went through each town, they took the opportunity to knock on doors, asking to meet the lady of the house along with “Mind if I come in?”
Revere is known today for his midnight ride to warn citizens that the “British are coming!” All the confusion started when a poet named Longfellow immortalized Revere's ride in a poem. With a name like Longfellow, he was too busy shagging hippie chicks to fact-check. Historians continue to overlook that the real reason for the quest was to get laid. Thankfully at the next to last house Paul finally got invited in and four minutes later the quick triggered Revere changed his shouts from “the British are coming” to a more adult themed “Paul Revere is cumming! Paul Revere is cumming!”
A team of Cornell history majors have traced Paul Revere's sexual frequency issues back to his attempts to win female favor through his use of the following lame pick up lines.
Let's have some porridge tomorrow morn. Shall I post thee or nudge thee?
My love for you is like diarrhea; I simply cannot hold it in!
Do you care for a raisin? How about a date?
If I planted a garden, may I place our tulips together?
1775–1783 T HE R EVOLUTIONARY W AR
The Teapot Boiled Over
Colonist Uprising
Colonists in the New World of America had become tired of the meddling and micromanagement of their affairs from the motherland of Great Britain. In 1775 the teapot boiled over, and enraged revolutionists stood up to the parent
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