The Schwa was Here Read Online Free PDF Page A

Ira was not too thrilled about it. See, Ira was not invisible. He had made great advances into the visible world. Take his video camera for instance. You’d think it would make him a behind-the-scenes type of guy. Not so—because when Ira has his eye to the viewfinder, he becomes the center of attention. He directs the world, and the world allows it. So I guess I could see why he kept his distance from the Schwa. Invisibility threatened him.
    Ira did join us on the basketball court, though. Couldn’t resist that, I guess, and in playing “friendly” choose-up games, we had quickly learned how to turn the Schwa Effect to our advantage.
    Move number one: Fake to the left, pass right to the Schwa, shoot, score!
    “Hey—where did
he
come from?” someone on the other team would always yell.
    Move number two: Dribble up the middle, flip it back to the Schwa, who’d drive down the sidelines for a layup—shoot—score!
    “What?! Who’s guarding that guy?” It was great watching the other teams get all frustrated, never noticing the Schwa until the ball was already in his hands.
    Move number three: Pass to Howie, back to me, and then to the Schwa, who’s right under the basket. A quick hook shot—score!
    As for the other team, there would be much weeping and gnashing of teeth, as the Bible says.
    On this particular day, after the other kids went off to console themselves in their humiliating loss, Howie, the Schwa, and I hung around on the court just shooting around. Ira also left right after the game, not wanting to hang around the Schwa any longer than he had to.
    “We oughta go out for the team,” Howie suggested as we shot baskets. “We’ve got a system.”
    “The Schwa oughta go out for the team, you mean,” I said.
    The Schwa dribbled the ball a bit, took a hook shot, and sunk it. “I played peewee basketball a few years back, but it didn’t work out.”
    “Don’t tell me—the coach always forgot to put you in, and even when you were in, nobody passed to you.”
    He shrugs like it’s a given. “My father never showed up for the games either. So I figured, what was the point?”
    “How about your mother?” says Howie. I might be the prince of foot-in-mouth disease, but Howie’s the king. He grimaces the moment after he says it, but it’s already out.
    The Schwa doesn’t say anything at first. He takes another shot. He misses. “My mother’s not around anymore.”
    Howie keeps looking at me, like I’m gonna cough up the guts to ask about it, but I won’t do it. I mean, what am I supposed to say? “Is it true that your mom was abducted by aliens in the middle of Waldbaum’s supermarket?” or “Is it true your father got a samurai sword and went Benihana on her?”
    No. Instead I change the subject, changing all of our lives from that moment on, because that’s when I come up with what would forever be known as Stealth Economics.
    “Hey, if the Schwa Effect works on the basketball court, there’s got to be other ways to put it to good use.”
    The Schwa stopped dribbling. “Like how?”
    “I don’t know . . . Spy on people and stuff.”
    Howie’s ears perked up at the mention of spy stuff. “The government would pay big bucks for someone who’s invisible.”
    “He’s not invisible,” I reminded him. “He’s
invisible-ish
. Like a stealth fighter.”
    “The CIA could still use him.”
    “And abuse him.” I grabbed the ball away from the Schwa, went in for a layup, and made it.
    “I don’t want to go to the government,” the Schwa says.
    “Yeah,” I said. “They’d dissect him and put him in a formaldehyde fish tank in Area 51.”
    Howie shook his head. “Area 51 is for aliens,” he says. “They’d probably put him in Area 52.”
    “Maybe we should try something that isn’t so big,” I suggested.“Maybe just stuff around school. I’m sure there are people around here who would pay for the services of a Stealth Schwa.” At first this had just been my lips