The Pickled Apocalypse of Pancake Island Read Online Free PDF

“In my potato. Where else?”
    I raised a tired arm and pointed at the sky. “Lead the way and I’ll inspect your door with twice as many knocks as I gave this one.”
    “You’re so kind, Mr. Door Inspector.”
    I put on a fake smile and hoped to end this soon.
    The pancake took my hand and led me away from Fanny Fod's castle. I turned and looked behind me, hurting inside because I felt Fanny's blueberry eyes watching me. I probably looked like the biggest jerk, allowing this other pancake to take me away under the guise of being a door inspector only moments after trying to break down her door and say I loved her, even though we had just met.
    "How do you feel, Mr. Door Inspector?" the pancake said.
    "Um . . ."
    "Um is a good way to feel. I am happy you feel um. Do you want to know how I feel?"
    "I guess so."
    "I feel happy. I feel liberated. I feel . . . excited."
    "Do you feel that way all the time?"
    "Of course. I am always glad. Are you glad?"
    "I am glad."
    "You don't sound glad."
    "I am glad."
    "It's funny that I should find a door inspector today. I was staring at my door for a long time yesterday and it was so fascinating. I thought a door inspector must inspect my door. Any door inspector who inspects my door will love it. I can't wait for you to love my door. It's a fascinating door. I sometimes miss the Ultra Yummy Happiness Parade because I can't pull myself away from the door. Sometimes I miss many parades in a row. I stare at my door for days, basking in the good door vibes. I think my door is a bunch of pancakes that fell so in love they became one pancake and they're always making love, having one constant stream of orgasms. When I'm not around my door, I like to think my door misses me. I like to think my door has orgasms in my absence."
    I blocked out the pancake's door babble. I could stand no more. What was I doing here? This pancake only cared about finding happiness in her door. I only cared about finding happiness in Fanny Fod.
    We walked through a field of pancake flowers that'd sprung up out of nowhere. The flowers turned green and pickled in my wake. The flowers frowned like ugly mirrors. I hated myself for killing them. Holding hands with this strange pancake, I calculated that I would hate myself for approximately forever. It was my duty as a sufferer of the Eternal Plight to hate myself. I mouthed the motto of Captain Pickle. Unchain yourself from this briny fate, oh pickled prisoner! But Captain Pickle wasn't real. He was make-believe. I did not share the privilege of being imaginary. None of us did, no matter how hard we tried.
    "The flowers love you," the pancake said. "They are remaking themselves in your image."
    Okay, maybe this pancake could teach me something about happiness. Maybe all pancakes were obsessed and in love with one thing and that one thing was the wellspring of all their happiness and maple syrup was what enabled them to love. Without maple syrup, they would be as sad as I was. Now the syrup had worked through me and I was in love and almost happy, but love had turned me crazy as a door creep. Now that I had experienced a little taste of happiness, I could remain neither happy nor sad.
    Unchain yourself from this briny fate, oh pickled prisoner!
    I walked behind her, up some steps carved into a giant potato. I was about to say something negative, out of habit, but I resisted. I had to act like a door inspector. Father was a door inspector. I just had to act like Father. We stopped on a stoop outside a brown and knotted potato door. The stoop was small. We pressed together. I considered stepping down to the stair beneath to put some distance between us, but the pancake wrapped her arms around me. She stared at me with unmoving maple eyes. "Do you like my door?" she said, her mouth unmoving. Stiff.
    "I love it," I said. I couldn't look at her any longer. I couldn't look at the door either. I envisioned pushing her down the stairs and shouting, "Your door is boring! I hate