The Pickled Apocalypse of Pancake Island Read Online Free PDF Page A

life.”
    “You owe me a chance.”
    “Get out of my castle.”
    “You’ll come to regret this.”
    “How can I regret anything? I’m happy by myself. Plus, I don’t know even you.”
    “Fine, I’ll leave,” I said, “if you show me your Nothing first.”
    Blue tears welled up in her blueberry eyes as she began to cry. “Leave before the Cuddlywumpus dies. It senses your sadness. The Cuddlywumpus is everything to me.”
    I should have tried to comfort her. I raised my voice instead. “What is this Cuddlywumpus? You told me there was a Nothing. A Cuddlywumpus is more than Nothing. You’re a liar. How can it sense my sadness? There is no sadness on Pancake Island. There is no sadness anymore inside my--”
    “Get out! Your sadness is killing the Cuddlywumpus!”
    She lost her composure. Like a pickle, she lost control.
    “Fine, I’ll leave you with your beast,” I said. I turned and left through the zucchini door.
    As I marched across the lawn, my footsteps left briny indentations in the ground. Pancake flowers near my dead footprints raised their heads, choked up greenish black syrup and collapsed in their own bile, like the cacti back home used to do.
    The dead sun spit green phlegm across the horizon. I looked up at him and felt bad for what I’d done. I’d been on Pancake Island for half a day at most and I had caused a lot of damage. I hadn’t even thought much about what I planned to do here. I had not achieved the full happiness experience, but already I questioned whether that was what I truly sought. These pancakes obviously enjoyed themselves, but if all they did was feast and party every day, well, that was not really what I desired. I wanted to feel airy and relaxed forever, but maybe the sun was right. Maybe I was better off climbing into my rocket ship and heading back to Pickled Planet. Obviously I did not belong. It was probably better not to disturb these happy creatures any more than I already had.
    But this pancake in the green castle, she seemed different than the rest. She seemed like someone I might be able to talk to. Just seeing her releasing balloons over the island made me want to climb up there and live forever in the castle with her. Despite the prospect of discovering even more enchanting pancakes on this island, and maybe getting to the root of happiness, I had lost my desire to explore. I'd found what I came for, and I was going to make her see that I hadn’t traveled halfway across the universe to be happy. I had traveled halfway across the universe to find her.
    I turned around and marched up to her front door again. She was going to hear me out. She was going to learn all about the Eternal Plight of the Pickle and how she could cure me with her love.
    Knock knockknock knock, knock.
    Knock. Knock.
    Knock, knockknock . . .  knock, knock . . .
    Knockknockknock.
    KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.
    KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK--
    “Hey, what’re you doin’ there?” someone shouted, disturbing my knocking.
    I turned around. The shouter was a pancake.
    “I’m a door inspector. I inspect doors,” I said, and regretted saying it. I was on a mission. I could not let myself get distracted. Anyway, who knew if door inspectors existed on Pancake Island?
    “Fanny Fod has a good door, doesn’t she?” the pancake said.
    I was tempted to tell the pancake to bug off and return to my knocking, to rejoinder it this time with shouted professions of love, but I realized I had already crossed the line, banging on her door for an inordinate duration. The pancake was right, though. Fanny Fod had a good door.
    “Have you tested my door yet?” the pancake said.
    Having returned to myself and seeing the fool I’d been, I decided to play nice for a little bit. This pancake knew Fanny Fod’s name. I could dig into this pancake for more information. “I don’t know. Where do you live? I’m offering free inspections all day.”
    The pancake giggled and shrugged as if I had said something very silly.