The Next Little Thing (Jackson Falls #4) Read Online Free PDF Page A

after
weeks of childbirth classes and hours spent talking with Casey about the
impending birth, he'd been woefully unprepared for the reality of it.
Unprepared for the intensity of emotion, for the astonishing level of pain
she'd suffered to give birth to the child he'd planted in her. For her stoic
response to that pain. He'd smugly believed he knew how he would feel
afterward:  pleased and proud and happy, ready for the handshakes and the
backslaps and the congratulations. How could he have known that the first time
he held that little girl and looked into those huge, innocent eyes, he'd feel
as though he'd been dropped down an elevator shaft?
    After having Paige in his life for the better part of a year, he'd
thought he understood fatherlove. But this was vastly different. Paige had come
into his life without warning, and nearly fully grown. They'd danced warily
around each other for months before the relationship ripened into something
resembling a normal father/daughter bond. The difference between that
relationship and this one was so fundamental, so profound, he couldn't put it
into words. The birth of this child had his emotions racing all over the place,
ping-ponging like a crazed tennis ball. He bounced between elation and terror,
pride and terror, adoration and terror. Awe, gratitude, tenderness,
protectiveness.
    And terror.
    There weren't supposed to be negative emotions mixed in with all
that other stuff. Were there?  If this was normal, it would have been nice if
somebody'd bothered to mention it ahead of time. He loved that little baby,
loved her so much he would gladly lay down his life for her. But the terror
wouldn't let go of his vital organs. It wasn't even a concrete terror that he
could identify. It was vague and amorphous, an invisible bogeyman that clutched
at his insides and squeezed them into a hot ball of anxiety. Wasn't it the
mothers who were supposed to suffer from post-partum depression? Not that he
was depressed; what he was, during fleeting moments tucked in amongst the pride
and the joy, was scared shitless.
    He wasn't the kind of guy who spent much time going to dark
places. For the most part, he had a sunny disposition. But sometimes, when
those dark places were inside him, he couldn't stop himself from going there.
    What the hell did he know about being a dad?  He'd missed those
first fifteen years with Paige. By the time she reached him, the most
significant portion of her growing-up years was already behind her. The best he
could hope for with his eldest daughter was to provide guidance and support,
something more avuncular than paternal.
    But this was different. This was the real thing. Parenthood, with
a capital P. And with an infant, there was no wiggle room. The first time you
dropped the kid on her head, it was instant fail.
    God, she was beautiful!  Perfect in every way. Casey had told him
once, a long time ago, that it was the most incredible feeling you could
experience, the knowledge that you and the person you loved most in the world
had created that exquisite creature from an act of love. He'd understood her
intellectually, but not viscerally. Not until now. The simple biological fact
of sperm and egg uniting to create something so precious, so flawless, was
mind-blowing. His awe and astonishment sprang not only from Emma herself—which
would certainly have been enough—but also from Emma as a symbol of their deep
and abiding love. He and Casey were in a place he'd never really believed they
would ever be. He'd wanted to be there, for so long. But it had always seemed
so far out of reach it was laughable.
    He wasn't laughing any longer.
    The house was quiet, the kitchen clock ticking in the silence.
He'd been gone for five days, and in the interim, Casey had been packing; there
were boxes stacked everywhere. Hard to believe that his universe had been
irrevocably altered since this morning. Hard to believe, after the intensity of
what they'd been through, that the entire