The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant Read Online Free PDF Page A

speak of “a submissive person,” and that is not precisely correct. A better phrase would be “a person who is submissive to…” This understandable error is created and compounded by playacting in the cyber world and misleading plots in pornographic novels.
    In the real world the nature of the submissive is often quite different from what is seen in these limited purviews of fiction and fantasy. This is particularly true in the case of submissive women. These ladies are not submissive to just any individual who happens to want to play as a dominant or as a top.
    A woman who has elected to give her submissive side permission to play is, in my opinion, stronger and more courageous than those of her vanilla sisters who have that side and do not let it show. Such a woman is not likely to submit herself to anyone who just happens to own a whip.
    Far from simply waiting for a dominant or top to appear, these women seek and select the person to whom they will submit. In turning over their power to this individual (or, more rarely, these individuals), the submissive woman forms a bond that is often stronger than that of a conventional sexual dyad.
    By the same token, depending on the personal style of both the submissive and the dominant, the submissive woman in such an affiliation may be quite active and aggressive outside of the scene portion of the relationship.
    Submissive men are both more complex and simpler than their female counterparts. Either because of the nature of the male/female dichotomy, such as early childhood conditioning and the nature of our society, many male submissives are much less selective of whom they submit to. While a submissive female is a rare sight in the BDSM clubs, submissive males in search of a master or mistress make up the bulk of any given night’s attendance.
    Some submissives report say that they have chosen their role because they found that the strength and control they have in their vanilla lives interfere with their sensual enjoyment. A number of years ago, I had a relationship with a brilliant and successful psychologist who had to be bound and helpless in order to reach orgasm.
    Her explanation was consistent and cogent. Before discovering bondage, she found that, as she approached orgasm during intercourse, an anxiety would appear that would quite overwhelm the building passion. This anxiety did not appear during masturbation. Examining the anxiety in a cool and detached manner as if it were a symptom reported by a client, she concluded that she had been socialized to please and cater to her partner during sex. She concluded that her subconscious mind, recognizing that during climax she would be out of control, was sabotaging the orgasm.
    Her solution was to make the desire-to-please irrelevant. Because when she was bound she could not do anything either to please or displease her partner, she found that bondage allowed her, in her own words, “to wallow in sensation.” When she was tied, she was able to reach orgasm repeatedly.
    An alternate explanation, offered by another member of the psychological community, suggested that the root cause was, instead, a deep-seated guilt about non-marital sex. In effect, her subconscious was punishing her for engaging in “sinful” behavior. In this scenario, the bondage “gave her permission” to enjoy sex because it wasn’t her “fault.”
    A submissive man allowed that guilt did play a significant factor in his love of bondage. As he put it, “It is difficult to get past the Calvinist idea that feeling good isn’t enough. There must be some greater purpose, some tangible benefit for society.” Being bound and helpless freed him from the need to search for that benefit.
    Other submissives have said that they have found, in loving submission and certain pleasure/pain activities, a way of coming to terms with legacies of emotional pain. For example, it is not uncommon for a submissive to be drawn to recreating scenes of abuse or