The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Read Online Free PDF Page A

near an abandoned gas station.
    They approach one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens says, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”
    The alien repeats the greeting, to no avail. Annoyed by what he perceives to be the gas pump’s bad manners, he produces his ray gun and says, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader, or I’ll fire!”
    The other alien interrupts and urges his comrade, “No, don’t shoot, you don’t want to make him mad!” But before he can finish his warning, the first alien fires. There is a huge explosion and both aliens are blasted 200 metres into the air.
    When they finally regain consciousness, the first alien says, “The Earthling is truly a formidable creature – he nearly killed us both! How did you know he was so dangerous?”
    The other alien replies, “My friend, if there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy, it is that anyone who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear is someone you shouldn’t fuck with.”

AL-QAEDA
     
    Al-Qaeda has hidden some bombs in tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti. Police have warned that if they go off it could spell disaster.
    “ Al-Qaeda – puting the “mental” back into fundamentalism. ”
     
    Al-Qaeda accidentally recruited a dyslexic into their ranks. They now have the world’s first suicide bummer.

ALZHEIMER'S
     
    A man takes his sick wife to the doctor. The doctor examines her and says, “Well, it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS.”
    “What do you mean?” the man says. “You can’t tell the difference?”
    “Unfortunately not,” replies the doc. “The two conditions look very similar in the early stages.”
    “So, what am I supposed to do about it?” asks the man anxiously.
    “Tell you what,” says the doctor. “Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don’t fuck her.”
    Knock knock . . .
    Who’s there?
    Alzheimer’s.
    Alzheimer’s who?
    Knock knock . . .
    The Benefits of alzheimer’s
    1 You make new friends every day.
2 You can laugh at all the old jokes.
3 You make new friends every day.
4 You can hide your own Easter eggs.
     
    A stand-up comedian got a gig at the local Alzheimer’s Association annual party. He was very nervous because he hadn’t worked for a while but he need not have worried. They liked his first joke so much that he told it again and again and again. In fact he told it eighty-six times. After the show, an old man went up to him and shook his hand: “You were brilliant,” he said. “I don’t know how you remember them all!”
    I was in the shopping centre this morning when a man approached me, collecting for Alzheimer’s. I told him, “Piss off, I’ve already given, don’t you remember?”
    “It’s bad news, I’m afraid,” the doctor tells his patient. “You have cancer and Alzheimer’s.”
    “Thank you, doctor. Oh well, it could be worse. At least I don’t have cancer.”
    Did you hear about the Alzheimer’s protest march?
    “What do we want?”
    “We don’t know!”
    “When do we want it?”
    “Want what?”
    The Alzheimer’s Society is doing its bit for Comic Relief. It will be known as Fuck Nose Day.
    My side of the family has a history of Alzheimer’s. Or was it my wife’s side?
    An elderly man walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous much younger woman sitting on her own. He walks over, sits next to her and says: “Do I come here often?”
    The old man suffering from Alzheimer’s who lives just down the road groped my wife this morning. I’m going to go down there later and give him a hiding he will never remember.
    How does every Alzheimer’s joke end?
    No, sorry, it’s gone.

AMERICA AND AMERICANS
     
    Apparently about 60 per cent of Americans don’t own a passport. It’s not that they don’t want to leave their country they’re just too fat to fit into a photo booth.
    Recent studies have shown